I'm struggling with finding the right place to be.
I think I've come to the conclusion that I've been too strong for too long. That's the only thing that makes sense to me right now. For exactly 2 years and 8 months I had to put on my happy face, I had to "suck it up," and I had to pretend like I was okay (and with Tripp here, that was so easy to do)... but now, I feel like that's the only thing I know how to do. I am still trying to put on my happy face (mainly because I hate to think that people feel sorry for me) and trying to pretend like I'm okay.
I think I'm still in "you have to be tough" mode.
Except I don't WANT to be tough. I want to cry, I want to grieve. My body just won't let me do that right now and I'm not sure why. I think I'm trying too hard to keep busy and do things because I'm scared of finding a new "normal." I don't want a new normal. I know the grieving will come, I'm just wondering how long it will take for reality to set in. I don't want this life of being able to do whatever I want. I don't want the life of not having my baby to take care of. I don't want this feeling of guilt every time I smile or laugh without my baby. I want to be smiling and laughing FOR him. I want to be able to talk in my "Tripp voice" again and make him chuckle. I would literally give anything in this world to have my life back... my life with him- minus his pain.
I've been thinking a lot about my faith and the fact that I have so much trust in the promise that Tripp is with God and in a better place. I'm just so thankful for that. I just can't imagine going through losing a child and wondering where he or she is and if they are okay. I also think that has a lot to doing with how I am "grieving." Not that it takes away the pain of not having your child in your arms, but it helps tremendously with any concerns that I would have about whether or not Tripp is okay.
The homily and readings in mass today were about suffering and why Jesus would allow bad things to happen to good people. And the bottom line is... that we don't KNOW why God allows these things to happen. We can speculate, but we don't know. We won't know until we are able to ask Him ourselves. But what I do know is that God never left my side. In the dark times, and in the happiest times...He was there through my family, friends, and the relationships I made, He was there through all of you guys, who have been and still are the best support system I could have had. And He was there through my little angel- who's smile gave me more peace and happiness than I could have ever asked for.
Do I think that Tripp was part of God's plan for bringing people closer to Him?
I absolutely do.
And as tough as it is, I'm still trusting in His plan and praying that He will lead me where I need to go and lead me down the right path in these upcoming months and years.
I know that I will write a book... I know that I will continue to blog... and I know that I will fight for EB for the rest of my life... I'm just not sure yet how I'm going to these things when a little piece of my heart is missing.