Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Blog update

So, I decided that it was time for a new, fresh blog update. 
I have been stuck in a (big) rut, as I'm sure most of you have noticed and I thought that this new update might get my butt back into gear and blogging again.  Because I really do miss it.  I know it's not the same for everyone, but for me... writing is such a release. It helped me so much when Tripp was alive and I just completely gave it up after he died.  But I feel like now could be a good time to get back writing.  

I think I struggled so long with what to write about because my blog was completely about Tripp and his care and our every day lives.  And after he was gone, I just didn't feel like there was anything for me to say.  4 years is a long time to step away, I know.  But I really think that it was so good for me.  It has given me time to really step back and take a look at my life.  It's given me time to focus on my husband and my new little family.  And now that Crew is finally (gosh, I hope I don't jinx myself) napping during the day pretty good, I feel like I actually have some time to sit and write down my thoughts.  

I've been thinking about "what I want this blog to be" for so long... and I've finally realized that I'm just thinking too much (as always).  And I've decided I'm just going to write.  Whatever I'm feeling for the day... I'll just go with it.  Whether it's just about my day with Crew, or whether I'm missing Tripp and want to remember him, or if I'm thinking about something in particular that I would really love to share with you guys (I certainly have a lot of those things going on in my brain).  
But whatever it is, I hope you'll join me on this "continuation" of my life.  I'm not sure where God is leading me, but I'm just going to try to hang tight and enjoy the ride.
I hope you'll hang with me!






Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Hello my lovely friends...

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who have been contacting me about how we are doing.  It is really nice to know that you guys truly care about how life has been over here. 

This month, on the 14th, made FOUR years since our Tripp has been gone.  
I can't believe it.  
How has that much time gone by? 
Where did it go? 
How in the world have I survived without my son?
This is always such a hard time for me. 
Throughout the year, I am always really good about distracting myself. 
And lately, our sweet Crew has been keeping me so busy and exhausted that I don't even have much time to sulk and be sad like I have been every year before now.  
But around the time that Thanksgiving hits, no matter what... 
I always get a heavy heart.  
My mood always changes... I get anxiety, I just get blah.
This year, when the time came, it was extra hard. 
I was having to function as a mommy when I was sad and missing my baby, too. 

Some people seem to think that having a new baby lessens the pain of losing a child.  
I say to those people: 
Tell me, which one of your children could you live without?

I spent some time recently reading through some of my blogs at the end before Tripp died.
It was absolutely heart-wrenching.
I had to stop reading.
It brought back SO much pain and so many vivid memories about how he suffered at the end.
How in the world did he physically endure that much pain?
It is so heart breaking.
It's a really hard thing to do... to go back through those memories.
Someone once told me that my suffering is greater that Tripp's was.  Because his was short-lived and mine is enduring.  At first I thought that was ridiculous... but now I am starting to understand.  Though Tripp suffered an unbearable amount in his short time on Earth, he is now pain free forever.
I bear the pain of being his mom and not being able to save him.
And having to watch him endure that pain.
And now... the pain of not having him here.
 I think I will be in pain until I join him in heaven.

This has been an incredible journey.  
And I have learned so much.
I have learned the importance of really trying to care about myself as much as I care about the people around me.  And by doing this, in turn, it will help me to to take care of the people I love even better.  My mental health is SO important... because it affects the overall function and health of my family.  When I disregard my feelings and I try to cover them up or hide them, it just causes tension in me... therefore causing tension in those around me.  
This is still very much a work in progress. 
But I think the first step was recognizing this.  
Grief is a truly awful thing to try to understand. 
But it really can bloom beautiful things.  
It's just the way you handle it.  
And I am slowly learning that being happy and having joy back in my life, does not mean that I am forgetting about Tripp or that I am a bad mom. 
I said "slowly" learning.  
The road is long. 

I think the devil tries to put these thoughts in our heads.  
Guilt.  
Guilt can be good and guilt can be bad.  
The guilt that I feel is bad.  It puts me in a bad place.  
I have to constantly remind myself that my guilt is not from God.  
That Tripp not being here is not my fault.  
That my "moving on" (I hate those words)... my "continuation of life?" is not something to feel guilty about.  It's something beautiful.  
And God has given me another beautiful gift.  
A child to raise up in this scary world. 
A child to teach about God and about love.  
A child that will know what an amazing big brother he has and how much his brother changed people's lives, especially his mama and daddy's. 

I'm sorry I've been away for so long.  
Writing was outlet for such a long time when Tripp was alive.
It gave me peace.  It healed my broken heart.  
And then Tripp died... and I just couldn't write.  
It was like he took my words with him.
I had no clue what to say or what to write about.  
And again, I felt guilty about that.  
I felt guilty for leaving behind my army that had stood behind me for 2.5 years.  
Through everything. 
But I knew you guys would understand.  

Life has been amazing.  
Stephen and I trusted God to give us another child. 
And he did.  
And you know what? 
I thought that my sweet Tripp was high maintenance with all of his bandages and tubes and machines... well, I'll put it like this:
Crew knows he's the second child. 
He has major second child syndrome. 
He's NON-stop, into everything, loves dirt, loves to climb, LOVES your attention, and probably the most nosey child I've ever seen.  
But oh my, is he fun.  
He keeps us on our toes and he brings us SO much joy. 
Watching him grow and seeing him do things that Tripp never got to do is so bittersweet.  
I know Tripp had a hand in giving us Crew. 
He is absolutely everything I knew I needed. 

And I cannot believe that next month, he will be 
ONE YEAR old already. 
Why can't I just stop time and keep him this little forever?? 

 


Thursday, May 14, 2015

Happy 6th Birthday, Tripp.

My big boy would make 6 years old today. 
I can't believe it. 
It's hard to believe that I could be a mom of a 6 year old.  
But I really try hard not to think of things that way.  I feel like God knew exactly where my life was going and this is exactly how He intended it to be.  He never intended for me to be the mom of a 6 year old, because He knew that Tripp would only be here with me for 2.5 years. 
Believing that, helps me to cope. 

I've been through a lot in 6 years. 
A lot of pain. 
A lot of anxiety. 
I went from an oblivious 23 year old girl who was over the moon excited to have her first child... to a mentally exhausted almost 29 year old woman who sometimes feels like she's been put through the wringer. 
My love at first sight turned into heartache and pain.  
I watched my only son suffer the cruelest disease known to man.  
I watched his little fragile body slowly deteriorate right before my eyes. 
I watched him struggle to breathe, struggle to eat, and struggle to survive.  
I watched him in pain.  
And I couldn't do anything to help him.  

Then... 
I watched him die in my arms.  
I had to place my son (whose side I never left for 2.5 years) on a gurney... for someone to take away.  
And when I finally got the courage to stand up again, my feet didn't know where to go. 
My feet had known the same path for 2.5 years. 
A path that only involved caring for Tripp. 
Feeding him, changing him, doing his dressing changes, giving his medicines, cleaning machines, etc, etc. 
When I walked, I had no clue where I was supposed to go. 
Or what I was supposed to do.  

Then...
I had to survive.  
I had to go on living my life when all I wanted to do was die. 
I'm not sure if I was ever honest with you all here. 
But for a really long time... I didn't want to be here. 
And for the first time in my life, I wasn't scared of dying. 
 I wasn't scared of anything. 
All I wanted was to be with my baby again and to know that he was okay.  
It was painful. 
It is still painful. 

I'm saying all of this, not because I want sympathy. 
But because for every ounce of pain and suffering that I've endured... 
I've been blessed 10 fold. 

It's been a beautiful, beautiful journey.  
The hardest, most painful, most rewarding journey I've ever experienced. 

First and foremost, I have been blessed with THE most amazing man that I know for a husband. 
Together, he and I have prayed and trusted and given all of our worries to God. 
God gave me a husband that makes me a better person. 
A husband who never questions and always supports me. 
We are the best team.  
He takes better care of me than I ever could have asked for.  

Everything in my life has happened in order, for a reason
I didn't know it then... or when it was happening. 
But I know it now.  
I look back and I see all of the beautiful things God did in my life. 
And all of the beautiful blessings He's given me.  
The biggest one being my new little family. 


He also gave me hundreds of thousands of strangers who have become like family to me.  
People whom I have never met, who send me emails and letters and gifts...
just to make me smile. 
People who have followed our story and loved my Tripp.  
And who,  STILL to this day, check on me and my family.  
There are NO words that I could ever type that would even begin to express my gratitude to all of you who read this, who reach out to me, and who love us. 
Thank you...
for every single thought, gift, and especially every prayer. 
It truly, truly means everything in the world to me.
Because the pain of losing a child NEVER, ever gets easier.  
But every day that I spend here on Earth puts me one day closer to the day I get to see my baby again.  

So, today... on my sweet boy's 6th birthday, 
I want to remember everything.
Not just the good, sweet moments.  
But I want to remember all of the hurt and the pain, too.   
Because all of it- every single suffering, has made me into the person I am today 
and has brought me to this moment.  
And I couldn't be more grateful for what God has given me and for taking care of me 
He has never once left me to question if He is present. 

So, Happy Birthday to my sweet, sweet angel in heaven.  
You have left me with so much.  
You have made me a better mom. 
A better person. 
A better Catholic. 
And I will never, ever forget the JOY you brought into my life in the short time that I was blessed to be your mommy.   
I will never stop missing you until you are in my arms and we can make music again together... forever.


video

Love, 
Photobucket

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Our newest little blessing...


Stephen and I are SO proud to announce the birth of our 
sweet baby BOY! 
Crew Stephen Alexander 
was born on 2/5/2015
7 pounds, 14 ounces and 20 inches long. 

We are overwhelmed with joy
 and we are so grateful for this healthy little miracle 
that has been given to us straight from God.  

I can't believe he is ours...











 Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers.  
They have been answered.  
I am certain that Tripp sent this precious boy to us.  
I know he is a proud big brother in heaven.  

God is so good.
We are SO blessed. 

Love,
Photobucket

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

3 years...

"Child loss is not an event,
 it is an indescribable journey of survival." 

I am so grateful today and every day for the 2.5 years of joy this little angel brought into my life.  
I can hardly believe it's been 3 full years since he's been gone.  
I don't know how my heart does it.  
I am broken-hearted that Tripp won't be here to meet his new brother or sister soon.
That we won't get to buy "big brother" shirts and take pictures plenty of pictures together.
It's not fair.  And it hurts.  
But I realize this is not something I can change and that God had a different plan for our lives.
So I am hopeful that this new baby will have the greatest big brother guardian angel in heaven.  

Mommy misses you so much, sweet boy. 
I'm so thankful for all of the pictures and videos I captured of 
you so that I can keep your memory close in my heart...
Every day, but especially on days like today, 
when the bad memories and the pain try to sneak in. 

From the day you were born, until the day you took your last breath in my arms,
you filled my life with so much happiness.  
I had never felt more complete. 
I dream about the day me, you, Stephen and your new sibling are together again as one big family. 
And until then, I will never, ever stop missing you.  
Not for one day. 




Love, 
Photobucket

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Merry Christmas and pictures

 When Stephen and I got engaged, I received the sweetest email from Corine at Studio Tran Photography.  
But a little back story first- I've been drooling over her and her husband's photography for years.  They are so good.  I love their style and I love their pictures. Not to mention, they are just the cutest couple with the cutest little family!  The email said that she and her husband wanted to offer to photograph our wedding for us.  At no cost.  I was in awe.  It was such a humbling offer after I had spent years admiring their work.  

But our wedding date that we had in mind had gotten postponed due to some issues with my annulment through the church, so when we had finally set a date (kind of last minute), I let Corine know and they were already booked.  I was so bummed.  But being the kind heart she is, she instead offered to take engagement pictures for us because she said she wanted to do something.  It had been a little over 2 years since Tripp had passed away... and here were two people, still offering to do something to make me happy.  
It was humbling, to say the least.  










I LOVED how our pictures came out and I am so grateful that we have them to look back on (especially since our wedding photos turned out to be a disaster!)  But Corine and Beebe at Studio Tran are not just good at what they do, they are an amazing couple with such kind and generous hearts.  Because about 3 months after our wedding, when we found out we were going to to be parents again, I anxiously awaited my 20 week U/S so I could share the news with all of you here, who have so wholeheartedly loved us and our story... and as soon as I did, I received another email.  Corine again offered to take my maternity pictures.  I was in shock and just felt so grateful.  Especially since I probably wouldn't have taken them otherwise.  She told me to bring Tripp's special toys and pictures of him so that we could include him in our session.  
I just can't tell you how much these pictures mean to me... 
I will treasure them forever. 

















Corine and Beebe, I know you guys wanted to do something special for us. 
But you really did SO much more than that. 
Thank you for capturing the love, the sadness, and the new joy all together. 
You guys are incredible people. 

As Christmas approaches, I am feeling so many emotions.  
I'm feeling really sad that another holiday is passing and my sweet boy is not here with me.  
I'm feeling sad for my fellow mommies and daddies who have lost babies like I have.  
I'm feeling some expected guilt over being happy about becoming a mommy again soon. 
But I am also feeling grateful for what God has given me and for the amazing people who have come into my life.  The friendships I've made and the love I've been shown reminds me every day that Tripp's life was not in vain.  His 2.5 years here on Earth was successful and fruitful.  
He did so much more than I even realize.  

Merry Christmas to you and your families. 
I hope aside from all the gifts, that everyone remembers the "true" meaning of Christmas while being able to spend special time with the people you love the most.  

And again, thank you all so SO much for loving us and for loving my sweet Tripp.



Love, 
Photobucket