Friday, November 4, 2016

Nash Michael Alexander


We are so very happy to introduce to you our newest little blessing, Nash Michael Alexander

He was born Wednesday, October 26th at 10:55am. 7 lbs. 11oz. and 19.5 inches long.  I was totally convinced at the end that we were having a girl, so when he came out I was shocked and absolutely THRILLED to be having another sweet baby boy.  

I have totally been on cloud 9 for the past week.  I still feel like I'm dreaming.  I can't believe that we have been blessed with a THIRD baby boy to love.  I cannot wait to watch Crew and Nash grow up together and become best friends.  I can not possibly express in words how grateful and blessed I feel.  I just keep whispering "Thank you, Jesus."  

My friends, God has been SO good to us.  He has answered so many of my prayers.  Not on my time, but on His time.  We have trusted His will and he has blessed us with more than we deserve.  I cannot wait to share our journey with all of you.  Thank you to those who have continued to reach out to me and to all of you who still follow our story.  It truly means so much.  I get teary eyed every day thinking about what I have been through and how far I have come and how CRAZY blessed I am.  This world is scary and bad... but it is also holy and good.  We just have to keep following what is holy and good.  I love you guys! 

"He always gives back to them with His right hand, what He has taken away with his left."
 -C.S. Lewis, Screwtape Letters

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Crew is happy to announce...

that he and Tripp both get to be big brothers!

Stephen and I are expecting another baby at the end of October.  We feel so incredibly blessed and are so excited about growing our little family.  Though, I don't think Crew is as excited.  Every time we ask him if he wants Mama to have another baby, he shakes his head "no."  Like a lot.  Ha. We had our half-way anatomy scan yesterday and baby looked great.  We decided again that we aren't going to find out the sex of the new baby, though it's reeeeallly hard for me this time for some reason.  I could have been persuaded to, but Stephen was adamant about waiting.  It's definitely more fun on the day of if you wait!  Baby is a MOVER again, just like Crew was.  I feel it dancing in there just about all day long.  I don't remember my sweet Tripp moving as much as these two kiddos.  

Life has been going great.  We have been keeping super busy chasing after our little non-stop wild child.  He loves to climb, dance, and get dirty!  He brings us more joy than I could have ever imagined.  I see SO much of Tripp in Crew.  They have so many of the same mannerisms and Tripp definitely taught Crew all of his dance moves.  Stephen and I just sit and laugh and laugh at him in the evenings.  He dances to the church bells outside, the washing machine, or just our voice sometimes.  Every now and then, Crew will look straight up at the ceiling or at the sky and say "Bubba" just out of the blue.  I cry every time.  I know Tripp is with us. 

Crew is a constant reminder to me that God is good.  He is my little tender-heart.  He loves life and he is the most friendly child I've ever seen.  I call him Mr. America because anywhere we go, he waves to everyone he sees.  He was hand picked for us.  He makes me so happy.  I can't believe how he made my heart double in size.  I can't wait to see how it triples with the third.  God had blessed us more than I could ever imagined.

We can't wait to share our next journey with you!

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Blog update

So, I decided that it was time for a new, fresh blog update. 
I have been stuck in a (big) rut, as I'm sure most of you have noticed and I thought that this new update might get my butt back into gear and blogging again.  Because I really do miss it.  I know it's not the same for everyone, but for me... writing is such a release. It helped me so much when Tripp was alive and I just completely gave it up after he died.  But I feel like now could be a good time to get back writing.  

I think I struggled so long with what to write about because my blog was completely about Tripp and his care and our every day lives.  And after he was gone, I just didn't feel like there was anything for me to say.  4 years is a long time to step away, I know.  But I really think that it was so good for me.  It has given me time to really step back and take a look at my life.  It's given me time to focus on my husband and my new little family.  And now that Crew is finally (gosh, I hope I don't jinx myself) napping during the day pretty good, I feel like I actually have some time to sit and write down my thoughts.  

I've been thinking about "what I want this blog to be" for so long... and I've finally realized that I'm just thinking too much (as always).  And I've decided I'm just going to write.  Whatever I'm feeling for the day... I'll just go with it.  Whether it's just about my day with Crew, or whether I'm missing Tripp and want to remember him, or if I'm thinking about something in particular that I would really love to share with you guys (I certainly have a lot of those things going on in my brain).  
But whatever it is, I hope you'll join me on this "continuation" of my life.  I'm not sure where God is leading me, but I'm just going to try to hang tight and enjoy the ride.
I hope you'll hang with me!

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Hello my lovely friends...

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who have been contacting me about how we are doing.  It is really nice to know that you guys truly care about how life has been over here. 

This month, on the 14th, made FOUR years since our Tripp has been gone.  
I can't believe it.  
How has that much time gone by? 
Where did it go? 
How in the world have I survived without my son?
This is always such a hard time for me. 
Throughout the year, I am always really good about distracting myself. 
And lately, our sweet Crew has been keeping me so busy and exhausted that I don't even have much time to sulk and be sad like I have been every year before now.  
But around the time that Thanksgiving hits, no matter what... 
I always get a heavy heart.  
My mood always changes... I get anxiety, I just get blah.
This year, when the time came, it was extra hard. 
I was having to function as a mommy when I was sad and missing my baby, too. 

Some people seem to think that having a new baby lessens the pain of losing a child.  
I say to those people: 
Tell me, which one of your children could you live without?

I spent some time recently reading through some of my blogs at the end before Tripp died.
It was absolutely heart-wrenching.
I had to stop reading.
It brought back SO much pain and so many vivid memories about how he suffered at the end.
How in the world did he physically endure that much pain?
It is so heart breaking.
It's a really hard thing to do... to go back through those memories.
Someone once told me that my suffering is greater that Tripp's was.  Because his was short-lived and mine is enduring.  At first I thought that was ridiculous... but now I am starting to understand.  Though Tripp suffered an unbearable amount in his short time on Earth, he is now pain free forever.
I bear the pain of being his mom and not being able to save him.
And having to watch him endure that pain.
And now... the pain of not having him here.
 I think I will be in pain until I join him in heaven.

This has been an incredible journey.  
And I have learned so much.
I have learned the importance of really trying to care about myself as much as I care about the people around me.  And by doing this, in turn, it will help me to to take care of the people I love even better.  My mental health is SO important... because it affects the overall function and health of my family.  When I disregard my feelings and I try to cover them up or hide them, it just causes tension in me... therefore causing tension in those around me.  
This is still very much a work in progress. 
But I think the first step was recognizing this.  
Grief is a truly awful thing to try to understand. 
But it really can bloom beautiful things.  
It's just the way you handle it.  
And I am slowly learning that being happy and having joy back in my life, does not mean that I am forgetting about Tripp or that I am a bad mom. 
I said "slowly" learning.  
The road is long. 

I think the devil tries to put these thoughts in our heads.  
Guilt can be good and guilt can be bad.  
The guilt that I feel is bad.  It puts me in a bad place.  
I have to constantly remind myself that my guilt is not from God.  
That Tripp not being here is not my fault.  
That my "moving on" (I hate those words)... my "continuation of life?" is not something to feel guilty about.  It's something beautiful.  
And God has given me another beautiful gift.  
A child to raise up in this scary world. 
A child to teach about God and about love.  
A child that will know what an amazing big brother he has and how much his brother changed people's lives, especially his mama and daddy's. 

I'm sorry I've been away for so long.  
Writing was outlet for such a long time when Tripp was alive.
It gave me peace.  It healed my broken heart.  
And then Tripp died... and I just couldn't write.  
It was like he took my words with him.
I had no clue what to say or what to write about.  
And again, I felt guilty about that.  
I felt guilty for leaving behind my army that had stood behind me for 2.5 years.  
Through everything. 
But I knew you guys would understand.  

Life has been amazing.  
Stephen and I trusted God to give us another child. 
And he did.  
And you know what? 
I thought that my sweet Tripp was high maintenance with all of his bandages and tubes and machines... well, I'll put it like this:
Crew knows he's the second child. 
He has major second child syndrome. 
He's NON-stop, into everything, loves dirt, loves to climb, LOVES your attention, and probably the most nosey child I've ever seen.  
But oh my, is he fun.  
He keeps us on our toes and he brings us SO much joy. 
Watching him grow and seeing him do things that Tripp never got to do is so bittersweet.  
I know Tripp had a hand in giving us Crew. 
He is absolutely everything I knew I needed. 

And I cannot believe that next month, he will be 
ONE YEAR old already. 
Why can't I just stop time and keep him this little forever??