Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Hello my lovely friends...

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who have been contacting me about how we are doing.  It is really nice to know that you guys truly care about how life has been over here. 

This month, on the 14th, made FOUR years since our Tripp has been gone.  
I can't believe it.  
How has that much time gone by? 
Where did it go? 
How in the world have I survived without my son?
This is always such a hard time for me. 
Throughout the year, I am always really good about distracting myself. 
And lately, our sweet Crew has been keeping me so busy and exhausted that I don't even have much time to sulk and be sad like I have been every year before now.  
But around the time that Thanksgiving hits, no matter what... 
I always get a heavy heart.  
My mood always changes... I get anxiety, I just get blah.
This year, when the time came, it was extra hard. 
I was having to function as a mommy when I was sad and missing my baby, too. 

Some people seem to think that having a new baby lessens the pain of losing a child.  
I say to those people: 
Tell me, which one of your children could you live without?

I spent some time recently reading through some of my blogs at the end before Tripp died.
It was absolutely heart-wrenching.
I had to stop reading.
It brought back SO much pain and so many vivid memories about how he suffered at the end.
How in the world did he physically endure that much pain?
It is so heart breaking.
It's a really hard thing to do... to go back through those memories.
Someone once told me that my suffering is greater that Tripp's was.  Because his was short-lived and mine is enduring.  At first I thought that was ridiculous... but now I am starting to understand.  Though Tripp suffered an unbearable amount in his short time on Earth, he is now pain free forever.
I bear the pain of being his mom and not being able to save him.
And having to watch him endure that pain.
And now... the pain of not having him here.
 I think I will be in pain until I join him in heaven.

This has been an incredible journey.  
And I have learned so much.
I have learned the importance of really trying to care about myself as much as I care about the people around me.  And by doing this, in turn, it will help me to to take care of the people I love even better.  My mental health is SO important... because it affects the overall function and health of my family.  When I disregard my feelings and I try to cover them up or hide them, it just causes tension in me... therefore causing tension in those around me.  
This is still very much a work in progress. 
But I think the first step was recognizing this.  
Grief is a truly awful thing to try to understand. 
But it really can bloom beautiful things.  
It's just the way you handle it.  
And I am slowly learning that being happy and having joy back in my life, does not mean that I am forgetting about Tripp or that I am a bad mom. 
I said "slowly" learning.  
The road is long. 

I think the devil tries to put these thoughts in our heads.  
Guilt.  
Guilt can be good and guilt can be bad.  
The guilt that I feel is bad.  It puts me in a bad place.  
I have to constantly remind myself that my guilt is not from God.  
That Tripp not being here is not my fault.  
That my "moving on" (I hate those words)... my "continuation of life?" is not something to feel guilty about.  It's something beautiful.  
And God has given me another beautiful gift.  
A child to raise up in this scary world. 
A child to teach about God and about love.  
A child that will know what an amazing big brother he has and how much his brother changed people's lives, especially his mama and daddy's. 

I'm sorry I've been away for so long.  
Writing was outlet for such a long time when Tripp was alive.
It gave me peace.  It healed my broken heart.  
And then Tripp died... and I just couldn't write.  
It was like he took my words with him.
I had no clue what to say or what to write about.  
And again, I felt guilty about that.  
I felt guilty for leaving behind my army that had stood behind me for 2.5 years.  
Through everything. 
But I knew you guys would understand.  

Life has been amazing.  
Stephen and I trusted God to give us another child. 
And he did.  
And you know what? 
I thought that my sweet Tripp was high maintenance with all of his bandages and tubes and machines... well, I'll put it like this:
Crew knows he's the second child. 
He has major second child syndrome. 
He's NON-stop, into everything, loves dirt, loves to climb, LOVES your attention, and probably the most nosey child I've ever seen.  
But oh my, is he fun.  
He keeps us on our toes and he brings us SO much joy. 
Watching him grow and seeing him do things that Tripp never got to do is so bittersweet.  
I know Tripp had a hand in giving us Crew. 
He is absolutely everything I knew I needed. 

And I cannot believe that next month, he will be 
ONE YEAR old already. 
Why can't I just stop time and keep him this little forever?? 

 


41 comments:

  1. Precious PRECIOUS. What a cutie! He surely brings you and his Daddy so much joy! I've missed hearing from you... But I prayed you were doing EXACTLY what you've just described in your post. I pray you'll blog again about both boys- what a precious journal it proves to be! You have a gift, one that can surely help someone else thru some very difficult things...your WORDS! Tripp has a happy heart watching his Mommy have so much love in her life! I'm patiently waiting, (take your time), to hear more and more about this little brother of Tripp's! 😘

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  2. He is absolutely precious! You deserve all the happiness in the world!

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  3. What a blessing your blog is to our lives. Tripp was the reason we go involved in helping to bring awareness to EB. My daughter Kaelin and I have made amazing friends and have met amazing people through getting involved with EB, because of you and Tripp. However short his beautiful physical life was, we will forever be thankful to him and to you Courtney, for sharing him with us.

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  4. Thanks for the update...what a beautiful family God has blessed you with♡♡♡

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  5. Oh Courtney you were just on my mind the other day and I was wondering if you were going to check in again soon. I followed your sorry and tripp's for a long time, it began to feel like you guys were family. Thank you for sharing him with us and thank you for sharing Crew with us. He's certainly a lucky boy to have such an amazing family and guardian angel.

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  6. GOD bless you now and always, and I hope you bury the word guilt at the foot of the cross where it belongs.

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  7. God Bless You & Your Family. Thank You For Sharing Tripp with so many.

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  8. It's so good to hear from you, Courtney! God bless you, Stephen, and Crew!

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  9. It's great to hear from you! You are one of the most inspirational people I have come across, thank you for sharing your journey, even though it had been so incredibly difficult.

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  10. I honestly still think about you and Tripp everyday and was just wondering how you were doing. Crew is simply adorable and I wish you and your family nothing but the best, you deserve it.

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  11. What a sweet, handsome, wonderful little man you have there!! You deserve all the happiness in the world!

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  12. Tripp will never be forgotten. He made an impact on so many lives. Thank you for sharing him with us. Crew looks like Tripp. God bless.

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  13. I have missed your blogs so much! I love the pictures of Tripp's baby brother. Crew is adorable! I wish you and Stephen many blessings.

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  14. Thank you for continuing to share your heart and your journey, Courtney. I think of you often and always love seeing your updates. You've got some beautiful boys in your life, here and in heaven. You're a lucky girl! ��

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  15. Thank you for continuing to share your heart and your journey, Courtney. I think of you often and always love seeing your updates. You've got some beautiful boys in your life, here and in heaven. You're a lucky girl! 😊

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  16. Tripp is smiling on his little brother and saying thank you for making momma smile.. ( And by the way little brother you look as handsome as I am) love you

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  17. Thank you so much for the update!! Thank you for sharing both of your sweet boys with us.

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  18. So glad you were able to update. You have a beautiful family, all 4 of you! All the best.

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  19. How funny, I was just thinking about you at the end of last week and checked to see if you had updated your blog! So happy for you with your little Crew. Thanks for making me aware of EB and getting involved in this community!

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  20. Glad to get an update, I was just thinking of you over the holidays. Glad the Crew knows whats up ;)

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  21. Thank you for your update. Tripp will always have a little piece of my heart even though we're complete strangers. Elmo still makes me think of your brave little man. *hugs*

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  22. I think of your precious angel often. Glad to see that you and your family are blooming. Beautiful gift from God. God Bless

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  23. Great update Courtney. I miss reading them but am glad God blessed with you Crew and Stephen in this new chapter. Tripp will never be forgotten in my heart and mind.

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  24. Thank you for the update...think of you guys this time every year. Thank you for sharing your beautiful sons! God Bless.

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  25. So glad to see your post....I always think of you and Tripp this time of year. Thank you for continuing to share your most precious loves with us.

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  26. I see Tripp in those precious eyes.

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  27. Continuing to pray for you, Courtney. Thank you for the update. I think of you and Tripp often.

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  28. I think of you and Tripp often. Thank you for letting us know how you are. <3

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  29. For some reason I started thinking about you tonight. I am glad your little guy is keeping you busy and I know that Tripp is looking downing you all. He is very cute and I see Tripp in your second son. God bless.

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  30. OMG, he is absolutely precious!

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  31. Also, thanks for writing. I check your blog often. So glad to see this post. I am sure you are so very busy chasing that precious bundle that you don't get much time to write. Just write when you can and we'll keep checking! Much love, hugs and prayers for y'all always!

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  32. God is good.
    What a sweet little guy.
    Enjoy him - you deserve it!

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  33. Courtney- Thank you for sharing your heart, struggles, and joys with us. Your blog was the reason I started learning about EB as a young teen and the reason I gave a presentation about EB research in high school. I am now in nursing school hoping to become a NICU np. Tripp continues to inspire me as I navigate this process and I pray you know how big of an impact your blogging has had. Thinking of you and your precious family!
    Caroline H.

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  34. Courtney- Thank you for sharing your heart, struggles, and joys with us. Your blog was the reason I started learning about EB as a young teen and the reason I gave a presentation about EB research in high school. I am now in nursing school hoping to become a NICU np. Tripp continues to inspire me as I navigate this process and I pray you know how big of an impact your blogging has had. Thinking of you and your precious family!
    Caroline H.

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  35. Wow, that lil man look just like Tripp. <3 so precious gift from God.

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  36. Tripp changed my life. His short existence was not in vain. I think of you and him often.

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  37. It's great to hear from you Courtney. I'm so happy for you and Stephen. Crew is just as beautiful as Tripp. What a blessing!
    No one can substitute Tripp. He will always be part of your life here on earth. He is pain free and it will always be painful at times. The pain never leaves us. It's just a part of life for parents who have lost a child. I've learned to cherish all the beauty and laughter my other children and now my grandchildren bring into my life. I'll keep you all in my prayers.
    Happy First Birthday to Crew!
    Lots of love,
    Gayle

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  38. Oh momma...Crew is just precious! I still think of you and Tripp often. I am so glad to read this update and know how you guys are doing. I was so honored to get to help you with your blog design over the years. Hugs sweet friend. <3

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  39. Wow, Courtney. What an adorable little guy. I was so happy to see your post and thank you for sharing with us, still.
    Blessings to you and your family.

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  40. I love your new blog page. It's so pretty and the pic of you and Tripp is terrific. Thank you for continuing to blog.

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  41. I am so happy for you and your beautiful family. I read your blog before I was a mom and it both broke and inspired me so much. You have been in my prayers and I even asked others in my church to pray for you especially 4 years ago as I was following your story. I was just thinking about you these last few weeks and finally had some time to check in. I'm glad you're writing again, but even more glad that you are taking time for you. Now as a mom I can't even hold back my tears as I read your recent entries and think back on your journey. Thank you for sharing. May God bless you in everything you do.

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