Thursday, May 14, 2015

Happy 6th Birthday, Tripp.

My big boy would make 6 years old today. 
I can't believe it. 
It's hard to believe that I could be a mom of a 6 year old.  
But I really try hard not to think of things that way.  I feel like God knew exactly where my life was going and this is exactly how He intended it to be.  He never intended for me to be the mom of a 6 year old, because He knew that Tripp would only be here with me for 2.5 years. 
Believing that, helps me to cope. 

I've been through a lot in 6 years. 
A lot of pain. 
A lot of anxiety. 
I went from an oblivious 23 year old girl who was over the moon excited to have her first child... to a mentally exhausted almost 29 year old woman who sometimes feels like she's been put through the wringer. 
My love at first sight turned into heartache and pain.  
I watched my only son suffer the cruelest disease known to man.  
I watched his little fragile body slowly deteriorate right before my eyes. 
I watched him struggle to breathe, struggle to eat, and struggle to survive.  
I watched him in pain.  
And I couldn't do anything to help him.  

I watched him die in my arms.  
I had to place my son (whose side I never left for 2.5 years) on a gurney... for someone to take away.  
And when I finally got the courage to stand up again, my feet didn't know where to go. 
My feet had known the same path for 2.5 years. 
A path that only involved caring for Tripp. 
Feeding him, changing him, doing his dressing changes, giving his medicines, cleaning machines, etc, etc. 
When I walked, I had no clue where I was supposed to go. 
Or what I was supposed to do.  

I had to survive.  
I had to go on living my life when all I wanted to do was die. 
I'm not sure if I was ever honest with you all here. 
But for a really long time... I didn't want to be here. 
And for the first time in my life, I wasn't scared of dying. 
 I wasn't scared of anything. 
All I wanted was to be with my baby again and to know that he was okay.  
It was painful. 
It is still painful. 

I'm saying all of this, not because I want sympathy. 
But because for every ounce of pain and suffering that I've endured... 
I've been blessed 10 fold. 

It's been a beautiful, beautiful journey.  
The hardest, most painful, most rewarding journey I've ever experienced. 

First and foremost, I have been blessed with THE most amazing man that I know for a husband. 
Together, he and I have prayed and trusted and given all of our worries to God. 
God gave me a husband that makes me a better person. 
A husband who never questions and always supports me. 
We are the best team.  
He takes better care of me than I ever could have asked for.  

Everything in my life has happened in order, for a reason
I didn't know it then... or when it was happening. 
But I know it now.  
I look back and I see all of the beautiful things God did in my life. 
And all of the beautiful blessings He's given me.  
The biggest one being my new little family. 

He also gave me hundreds of thousands of strangers who have become like family to me.  
People whom I have never met, who send me emails and letters and gifts...
just to make me smile. 
People who have followed our story and loved my Tripp.  
And who,  STILL to this day, check on me and my family.  
There are NO words that I could ever type that would even begin to express my gratitude to all of you who read this, who reach out to me, and who love us. 
Thank you...
for every single thought, gift, and especially every prayer. 
It truly, truly means everything in the world to me.
Because the pain of losing a child NEVER, ever gets easier.  
But every day that I spend here on Earth puts me one day closer to the day I get to see my baby again.  

So, today... on my sweet boy's 6th birthday, 
I want to remember everything.
Not just the good, sweet moments.  
But I want to remember all of the hurt and the pain, too.   
Because all of it- every single suffering, has made me into the person I am today 
and has brought me to this moment.  
And I couldn't be more grateful for what God has given me and for taking care of me 
He has never once left me to question if He is present. 

So, Happy Birthday to my sweet, sweet angel in heaven.  
You have left me with so much.  
You have made me a better mom. 
A better person. 
A better Catholic. 
And I will never, ever forget the JOY you brought into my life in the short time that I was blessed to be your mommy.   
I will never stop missing you until you are in my arms and we can make music again together... forever.




  1. Always in my prayers! Thank you for the uplifting words and helping me see beauty through pain. I needed your words today!

  2. Happy Birthday Tripp ! So happy that you have been blessed with a wonderful husband and little Crew. Please keep us updated on your life as we all are still here to encourage and support you.

  3. Sending love yesterday, today and forever more! Tripp will always be in our hearts. Thank you for sharing him with us!

  4. Happy Birthday to the one and only Tripp. We still think about you a lot and look forward to hanging out one day.

  5. Happy Birtday Tripp! I still get excited when I see your blog posts in my feed. We will continue to pray for your entire family!

  6. Happy Birthday Tripp.. I still think of you shaking your little booty and playing your drums.. I bet my mom found you and gave you a hug..

  7. Happy Birthday sweet boy! You are gone physically, but definitely NOT forgotten. Prayers to you, Courtney, and your husband!

  8. Happy Birthday Trip! Thank you for teaching me about EB and about being brave.

  9. Happy Birthday sweet angel Tripp! How very beautiful Courtney... Your words, your little family and you! You look so happy. God is good!

  10. So good to hear from you. God bless you!

  11. Your precious angel boy touched so many lives. He made so many of us fall madly in love with him. I always admired your strength and your faith.
    Tripp definitely chose the perfect mommy. I am so happy for you that you have found so much happiness. I know your angel boy played a perfect hand in all the blessings that have come your way since he left this life. He is your true guardian angel

  12. I feel honored to know you Court. Love always, Erica

  13. Happy Heavenly Birthday, sweet baby boy! You are still so loved!

  14. God bless you sweet woman. Happy birthday to Tripp in Heaven. You WERE chosen by God to be his mommy because God knew you would be the BEST one for him and you were! It's so good to hear from you and know that you and your little family are doing well. And now Tripp is healthy and watching over all of you. Much love, hugs and continued prayers for you and your whole family. And God bless that wonderful husband of yours!

  15. I still think of Tripp, and you, often. I'm so happy you have been blessed with so much again.
    Happy Birthday in Heaven, Sweet Tripp!!!! You will never be forgotten by all whose lives you touched. <3

  16. I follow youh blog since the beggining....Im from Guatemala, in Central America. I prayed to God for ease Tripp´s pain, I asked Him for streght for you...I enjoyed when you married Stephen and of course, when you got pregnant again...please, keep us posted on your "new life", because, as you beatufully said, from a distance we learned to love Tripp and you.

  17. Happy Birthday Tripp, thank you Courtney for keeping us up to date on how you are doing. You have a beautiful family and a beautiful guardian Angel smiling down from Heaven.

  18. Happy Birthday, Tripp!!! We will never forget you!!!

  19. Beautiful post, Courtney, as always - thank you for allowing all of us strangers into your life and heart and to follow your journey. I have been following it since Tripp was still on this Earth. I am so glad that you have found some measure of happiness with your new little family, and your new baby boy looks so much like his big brother! You are wrong to say you were never meant to be the mom of a 6 year old, you will be to your new baby boy one day! :) Remember, "don't tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how great God is!" - Sarai

  20. Happy Birthday, Tripp! I often think of you and your family. You touched so many lives. You have an amazing mother and her words are exactly what I needed to hear today.

  21. Happy Birthday, Tripp! I think about you and your mommy often. Sending hugs your way!

  22. Happy Birthday dear Tripp. are amazing. Tripp and you have inspired so many lives. Stay blessed.

  23. Dear Courtney, congratulations with your Big Boy Tripp! What a beautiful photo of you and your unforgettable Tripp. He will always be in my thoughts and in the thoughts of many more people all over the world for sure.

    Wishing you all the best in the world with your husband and your most adorable Little Boy Crew!

    Love from The Netherlands

  24. I hope our angel boys are playing together....blessings to you and Tripp

  25. Happy birthday sweet Tripp <3 :)

  26. Thank you for sharing Trip with us. What an amazing journey you have been on.
    Praise God!

  27. I am so, so happy you found joy again in this life! You and Tripp had the most special bond I've ever seen.. and that's only from videos =). I can't imagine your suffering, but I also you've also experienced a great depth of joy and amazing, pure, love. it's simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

  28. I've been waiting for you to post! You look so happy and your family is gorgeous!!! You are a very strong person Courtney!!! Happy Birthday to Tripp.

  29. Wow, this post is amazing. When you wrote that for every ounce of suffering you've endured. .. you've been blessed 10 fold, I just broke into tears. God is so, so good. I've prayed for you for years, and I'm so happy that you have tremendous joy in your life. Happy birthday to your sweet boy Tripp. He will always be remembered in a million hearts ♡

  30. As a total stranger who never met him, I miss Tripp. The world isn't quite as good without him here but I am glad he's in heaven without pain. I'm so amazed at your strength and so happy that you have found love again with two new wonderful men (your husband and your new little man!) in your life.

  31. Thanks for sharing, Courtney!

    Happy Birthday Tripp...sending you a thousand Elmo's!

  32. Tripp remains in my heart, despite having never met him. Blessings to you. Thank you for keeping this journal alive. I check back every so often!

  33. Blessings to you and your new family.

    Tripp remains in my heart despite my having never met him! I don't think I will ever forget him.

    Thank you for keeping this blog alive! I check back every so often. Tripp truly touched my heart.

  34. You are an incredibly strong woman. May God continue to bless you and yours.

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    I am a public relations intern for Giving Foundation for Children.
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    I hope this message finds you well. Thank you.

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  35. happy birthday Tripp, so good to read your update, and still following the happiness that you are able to have in your life now, much love

  36. Happy birthday Tripp. Much love to you Courtney.

  37. ooh i'm so sorry for your lost .. i'm 31 y.o man but it made me cry,his photos his history,all what you lived thru.. when i first found this blog,i was on old page,and there you wrote about his battle,it was old post on 2010 about his another eye surgery,while i read all those words i hoped that he was survived..then i saw your little post on the right under your photo,and read that he lost this war.. it's so sad.. Rest in Peace you Little Angel

  38. Hi Courtney! I'm so happy to read your post of your precious memories.

    My dear friend, Jan Hall read your blog, made comments often and sent you money. Perhaps you remember her. She was not a stranger to suffering-emotional or physical. She passed away last November. She, like your precious Angel, is free from pain. If it were possible I know she would look for him to express her love.

  39. Happy birthday sweet Tripp. Everytime i comes here, i just cry. But i am happy to be back here and especially happy that you married and had a healthy boy. You are such a strong woman and good mommy. Much love you and your family.

  40. Just thinking about you and Tripp today. Praying for your new beautiful family and asking the LORD to continue blessing your life.

  41. I hope you have a blessed holiday season with Crew! Tripp and Crew are in my heart and prayers.

  42. Happy birthday! and Happy new year to you and your family!