Friday, February 4, 2011

Love, Mommy

Dearest Tripp, 
How can I possibly find the words to tell you how much I love you?  You are now 20 months old.  I often look at your pictures and it literally takes my breath away how beautiful you are.  And looking back through your pictures, I remember thinking how sad I was for you and how bad I thought you had it then.  But comparing your struggles then to your struggles now, I know that this is a battle that will only get harder for us.  Harder for you, because this awful disease is taking over your body… keeping you from being a normal little boy, causing you so much pain, and holding you back from a life that you deserve.  And harder for me, because this awful disease is consuming my precious little boy.  Each day when I look into your eyes, I feel so guilty.  Not because I think that it’s my fault that you are suffering, but I feel guilty because I am healthy.  I have perfect eyesight, I have healthy skin, I have my fingernails and toenails, and I can breathe easily without having to struggle for every breath I take.  These are so many things that so many of us take for granted every single day.
I look at you all the time.  You don’t see me staring because you are usually sleeping, or have your eyes closed. But when I look at you, it’s such a crazy, overwhelming feeling.  I want so bad to be able to throw you up in the air, or take you out and show you off to the world, and mostly to be able to see you running around destroying the house like a little tornado.  But instead, I see the little boy that I brought into this world… laying with his eyes closed and suffering with each bath, diaper change, and suction.  Why should a baby have to suffer the way that you do?  But you know what else I see when I look at you?  I see a hero.  My hero.  A little boy who gets up each morning in excruciating pain, who is frustrated and irritable- but never gives up.  He fights with each bandage change, each suction, and each breath.  And when you feel good and finally get the chance to smile and show your personality, you light up my life beyond belief.  Even at your very young age, you are setting a true example of what life is really about.  I know that you have already touched so many lives and I can only hope that you will continue to touch lives for a very long time. 

There are very few people who actually see the struggles that you face day to day.  Some can pretend to understand, but even as your Mommy... I know that even I cannot fully understand the pain and suffering that you have to endure.  No one ever will.  All we can do is learn from you... and be better people because of you.  Because there are not many living beings who could be in your position and still fighting for their life.  Your little body is so frail.  You are supposed to be running and jumping around, but instead your naked little body looks like you're still about 8 months old.  But you are so innocent.  You have no idea that you are the most special child I know.  Your little smile... it radiates the room and everyone in it.  

I am SO proud to call myself your Mommy.  I am forever a better person because of you. The struggles that we face together each day are so bittersweet.  But I wouldn’t trade a single second of all the joys and the sorrows that we have shared- because we've shared them side by side.
I love you baby boy. 
 Just thought you should know that. 

Love,  
Mommy





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63 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing such a loving and wonderful letter. To Tripp, you are HIS hero. The one that loves and cares for him everyday. Stay strong!!!!

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  2. Oh Courtney!!! This is the MOST BEAUTIFUL POST I HAVE EVER READ!!!!! You and Tripp are the TRUE meaning of LOVE!!!! GOD BLESS YOU!!!!!!

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  3. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Your baby boy is such an amazing little fighter. I adore you both. I am grateful you are so willing to share your story with all of us. xoxoxo

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  4. Tripp couldn't have hoped for a better mom, the love you have for him is the sweetest thing in the world, what a precious baby!!! Thanks for sharing, have an amazing Friday!!

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  5. That was so beautiful. I have been following your blog for a while, but have never left a comment until now. This letter is absolutely beautiful.....your love for Tripp is just so breath-taking. My little sister has Down syndrome so I know what it is like to love someone that is extra special! <3 Ashley

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  6. what a lucky little boy to have such a wonderful mom.

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  7. Oh Courtney.....beautifully written! We are sending prayers your way. You are one amazing momma and have an amazing, beautiful little boy!!!

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  8. Tripp is such an example to all of us. When I look at him, I see Jesus! I hate sicknesses and troubles this world brings, but seeing God use your family has been amazing. I am praying for your strenth and peace and some wonderful moments for y'all.

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  9. What a touching and heartfelt letter Courtney! Tripp is very lucky to have you as his mommy- no one could ever do the amazing job that you do with him. And the picture was icing on the cake- so sweet :)

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  10. This takes my breath away! You and Tripp and your story continue to be an inspiration to everyone that you encounter. Sending love and prayers your way....

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  11. Oh my, I am crying at work. You are such a brave woman to be able to stay so strong for him. I am a mother of two and some days I think I can't go on, and then I get on here and read your updates and pray for God to give me a hint of the strenght you and Randy have. Tripp is always in my prayers and you guys to!

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  12. Precious gifts from God~ both of you! I am learning everyday from you and your hero little man. Beautiful post... Courtney, and he does have an idea what a special child he is because he has your arms around him!

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  13. I love your letter to Tripp. It tears me up to watch Tripp suffer and oh, the pain that you must be going through. I think of you both all the time and pray for you often through out the day. My kids and Brian love to read the blog too(or look at the pictures, in the case of the kids). You are so strong and an inspiration to us all. I love you. Love, Jenn
    PS- I tried calling but your mailbox was full. Anyway, if you need anything, please call.

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  14. Reading about you and your beautiful boy both warms and breaks my heart. You are a wonderful mommy. I cannot begin to imagine Tripps life or his day to day struggles but his story has brought me to tears. I will diligently be praying for you and especially for Tripp!

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  15. Love the sweet picture of you and Tripp! You are both beautiful people both inside and out. Hands down you are both the toughest people I know. Tripp, we are storming the gates of Heaven on your behalf. Thinking of you both and praying daily for your family.

    From Florida

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  16. What a precious picture of you two.:)Tripp knows you love him more than words can tell.What a sweet letter that is to him though reminding him of just how much you love that little man.

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  17. I found your blog through Patricia's, The Williams Family. My heart goes out to you and little Tripp. I just wanted to let you know you are in my prayers. What a wonderful mama Tripp has and what a wonderful son you have. May God hold you all in the palm of His hand. Praying for healing at this very moment.

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  18. I love you guys so much. I'm going to call you this weekend, if only to leave a voicemail. I love you so much!

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  19. I don't know when my heart has ever felt so full and yet so burdened at the same time. The love of a momma is so amazing and the fight your little man has to fight is so sad, but I'm so glad we get to cheer him on and get to know him through your blog. Thank you for sharing and I hope you know that Tripp is an inspiration in my life! Much, much love from a sister in Christ!!

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  20. thank you Courtney for shareing your letter to Tripp. You are a special mommy to a special baby boy. I keep you in my prayers

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  21. Courtney, I'm so sorry that your beautiful boy is having such a hard time at the moment. It's a real honour to read your letters to him.

    That said, PLEASE get hospice involved. Please. It doesn't mean that he'll die any time soon, and it doesn't mean stopping trying to help him - it does mean that you'll have access to people who know paediatric pain management better than anybody else, and somewhere else to turn to when you feel low on options. It's the means by which Tripp's - and your - quality of life will be improved.

    All the very best,

    Becca

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  22. Courtney- Tripp is so lucky to have you as his mommy! I love the picture with this post! Tripp is a hero, and so are you. Our family will keep you in our prayers!

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  23. I have tears while reading this. You are so amazing! Tripp is amazing! He is blessed to have you as his mommy.

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  24. Nothing I can say except that we are PRAYING for Tripp and you and we LOVE you very much!

    Love from TX,
    Laura

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  25. What a beautiful tribute to your son. Praying often for you and Tripp.

    Tina in NJ

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  26. I do believe that Tripp is in a LOT of people's prayers and thoughts. I pray every night for comfort and pain relief for him and strength and endurance for you. May each day and night be much better than before for Tripp.

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  27. Courtney,

    Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and Tripp. As a fellow EB mom I can only say I understand the struggles you face..the joy and the heartbreak...But you AMAZE me..You are a role model on selflessness and devotion to you child. You inspire me to be a better mom every time I read your blog..Tripp is incredibly lucky to have been placed into your arms..and always know you are doing an outstanding job caring for him. EB just does what it's going to do and there's no stopping it. I hate the awful disease and what it does to our beautiful children so if you ever need someone to sing the praises of EB SUCKS...drop an email anytime and I'd be glad to sing it with ya! Stay strong and know you are always in our thoughts..
    hugs and kisses,
    beth
    johnbeth91@aol.com

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  28. Courtney,
    Tripp is amazing. You are amazing. I'm praying.
    Becky

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  29. Courtney,
    What a beautifully written letter to the "little knight." Lots of prayers are being said for Tripp to get a break and start to feel better. There are no words to define the love you have for your precious son. The care you give to him shows it all.
    Bless you.

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  30. That is so beautiful. I know I have said it before but I will say it again. Tripp is as lucky to have you as you are to have him. You are one amazing mommy. Still praying.

    Denise WI

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  31. Courtney, You are quite a bit younger than me but your strength, grace and care for your son never cease to amaze me. I had a feeling there was something going on with your marriage when your husband's side bar pictured was removed. I am very sorry, but I am glad to know that you have a good support network. I often think of how I hate when my kids have the flu or some other illness but that is nothing compared to what you and Tripp endure every day. You and your son are amazing. Please know that I think of you and Tripp often.

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  32. Courtney, you have no reason to feel guilty. God gave Tripp to you because he knew that you and Randy would love him like no other. He will and is changing people's lives. He is helping to bring EB out into the public, so that one day those doctors in Minn will find a cure. God is watching over, and holding Tripp close. My heart breaks for you and Tripp. I pray for him every every day.
    Love and prayers, from Portsmouth, Ohio
    Carla Spradlin

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  33. Absolutely beautiful! I sobbed reading your letter to Tripp. It was beautiful, heartfelt, and heartbreaking all at the same time. You're right...Tripp has touched SO many lives. He's touched so many people who have never even had the good fortune to meet him, myself included. Tripp has changed me. He's taught me about what's truly important, and those things I thought were important really aren't so important any more. Thank you so much for sharing Tripp's story with us. Thank you for showing us all what true, unconditional, unselfish love is. You are truly my inspiration. You and Tripp are in my thoughts and prayers several times a day.
    Love from North Dakota,
    Heather <3

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  34. Courtney,
    You don't know me, but someone showed me your blog today and I am absolutely amazed. I'm amazed at the strength that you have. I'm also amazed at your little man, he really is a miracle. Each day with him must be such a blessing to you. In reading your blog, I can see that you and your family have shown him so much love. I will honestly say that I have no idea what you or your baby are going through (I never even heard of EB until I saw your blog), but I am sad for all the pain he must be feeling every day, and for all the pain you must feel as a mother having to watch him go through that. Thank you so much for sharing your story, or actually Tripp's story with everyone. Your family will definitely be in my thoughts from now on. Hugs to you and that beautiful boy!!!

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  35. Hey Courtney,
    What a beautiful letter to a beautiful boy! You are such an amazing mum and have the most remarkable strength and spirit. You deserve to win mother of the year!!! Tripp has a special place in my heart each day and my thoughts and best wishes are with you both. It's been a special blessing to read your posts and watch Tripp blossom into such a beautiful boy. He really is a cutie!!! Sending you guys lots of love and warm wishes for Tripp to feel better soon and be back on his feet.
    Hugs and Cuddles from Holly (in Australia). xoxoxox

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  36. We think of Tripp every day. My boys ask about him often. We all think he is the cutest baby in the world and hope the best for him and for you.
    I am sorry for all you are going through. You and Tripp bring so much light to the world.
    Much love to you.

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  37. I can't imagine the suffering brave little Tripp endures. When I think about him and you, I want to be a better person. I admire his courage and your love and strength.
    I pray for you every day.

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  38. Sending all the prayers we can say her in NJ.

    Tina

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  39. I read often, but comment seldom, mostly because I don't know what to say, I guess. I think about you and your boy often and it breaks my heart that he (and you) have to suffer so. I pray that God may ease his suffering and that He will give you the strength to continue each day. You are both so brave.

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  40. Tripp is blessed to have you for his mother. You are a an example of true love. Love that never faileth.
    (I am a visitor from Daylon's blog)

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  41. I'm so sorry about you and Randy. I'm so sorry that Tripp is having such a hard time. We pray for him all the time and my kids know him by his picture. I try to talk to them about what Tripp and Daylon and Bella are going/went through. I truly hope things turn around for you and for Tripp. You are an inspiration to me as a mother.
    Memory-TX

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  42. Precious boy. Prayers for you and your family !

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  43. Praying for you! Tripp is beautiful as well as you are♥

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  44. Just stopping in to tell you there are people out here that care. :o)

    Cheryl

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  45. What a beautiful baby boy! You are such an inspiration. I stumbled upon your blog by pure accident, while trying to find someone with a similar story to help me deal with my situation. My husband and I lost our twin baby boys, Easton, and Parker in November and were devastated. Thanks for such encouraging words. I know that God will bless you and sweet baby Tripp. Betsy

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  46. Praying for you, sweet baby Tripp, and your family!

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  47. Love and prayers for you all. All our love from Texas,
    The Oberle Family

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  48. Courtney you are one amazing mommy. I check in on you and Tripp regularly and just love you guys so much. When Angelique came home from Minnesota and the subsequent drive across the USA, one of the first things I asked her was what it was like to meet you and Tripp. Please know that so many are out here caring for you both.
    Jen (from California)

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  49. I've come to visit from Daylon's Blog. Tripp is one beautiful little boy, and he is my hero too. But then so are you! You are not alone. Many prayers are being sent on Tirpp's behalf, and yours. I'm not sure where you are or how I could help, but it would be an honor and a blessing if I could do anything for Tripp or you. All you have to do is ask...

    Your letter was awesome! I was in tears from the second sentence. Besides being a beautiful and loving mother, you have a talent for writing. You express your love for Tripp in a remarkable manner. I hope you'll write to him often.

    Best personal regards,
    Jan

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  50. What a beautiful letter to your sweet baby boy. I pray for you and Tripp each night and I hope that you know many people do the same.
    God bless both of you.

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  51. Courtney - You are an inspiration, as is your little guy, Tripp. I am so so sorry for your struggles. I am PRAYIN'!!!!

    Allison
    Chicago, IL

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  52. You're an amazing writer, Courtney, and such an inspiration. Your sweet baby boy is in my mom and I's prayers everyday!

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  53. http://carolchil.blogspot.com/2011/02/tripp.html PLEASE visit my site and you will see that I have put out a prayer request for Tripp there, adding to your army of pray-ers!!! Your love for this child is so, so evident, and your faith in God is amazing. What an inspiration to all!

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  54. Hi Courtney - I am new to your blog. I read about Tripp on Jonah's blog and had to come over. I don't have a blog...just a mom of a two year old who thought she had a hectic life. Nothing compared to what you and alot of other people go through on a daily basis. You are an amazing woman and Tripp is an amazing little boy. I can just feel the love that you have for Tripp in your posts and it brings tears to my eyes to think about the pain he must be in. My heart goes out to him and I will be praying for you and your family daily. Take care.

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  55. Thinking of you and Tripp today.

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  56. Oh dearest Courtney. Words cannot express the emotion I am overcome with for the first time in reading your blog. We have a mutual friend-Leigh Ann Lanaux. She has told me about you and your sweet angel on many occassions. She talks about your unending strength and faith that you always exhibit. From visiting your blog for the first time I can say that I am truly amazed and inspired by you and your little fighter. I committ to praying for you and your family daily. I don't understand why people go through things like this...all I can say is that you are very special. God knew that, that's why he picked you to be Tripp's Mommy. If you EVER need anything, please don't hesitate, anything. You are an inspiration and I will continue to follow you on your journey. Prayers going up now and very often for you. Love.

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  57. New to this Blog thing. Just checking on my Aunt Carol Childress's blog to read some words of wisdom and encouragement. This is how I learned of you and your Amazing little man Tripp. You're an Awesome mother to do what you do day after day. A lot of people could learn from your strength and inspiration. My heart goes out to you. I will continue to pray for you Tripp and your family as you continue this journey. I check the blog site frequently just to see if there is any updates on your brave little man. This is highlight of my day and always makes me smile. Take care.

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  58. How is little Tripp? I have been praying for him and waiting for an update. I will keep praying for you guys!
    Love,
    Nicole

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  59. Courtney,

    I've been following your blog for some time now through Jonah's blog. I check on you every day and hope that things are okay. You are often on my mind and in my heart. You may feel alone at times, but please know that you're not. I'm a mother of two, and I pray for you all of the time. Please continue to let us know how you're doing. Kisses to Tripp.

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  60. I've been visiting your blog by way of Jonah's blog for the past couple of months. My 4 year old son recently saw the pictures of Tripp while I was reading your latest post and he asked me about all of the "bo bos" on Tripp's skin. So I explained EB to him the best I could and his immediate response was "We need to pray for him." And that is exactly what he has done every single day for the past week, without any reminding. Anyhow, last night he called me into his room and told me that Jesus was going to take care of Tripp and make him all better. Oh Courtney, I know it would be a miracle for Tripp to be completely healed, but whether it is this side of Heaven or not, Jesus will take care of him. I'm praying for Tripp's healing and praying for you as you care for him.

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  61. Dear Courtney,
    Your story has taught me and many others so much. Both your son and you are true heroes. Tripp could not wish for a better mommy. You are such a brave, amazing and loving mother to your sweet baby boy. Don't give up. My prayers are with you and your family. You inspire us all.

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