Thursday, May 14, 2015

Happy 6th Birthday, Tripp.

My big boy would make 6 years old today. 
I can't believe it. 
It's hard to believe that I could be a mom of a 6 year old.  
But I really try hard not to think of things that way.  I feel like God knew exactly where my life was going and this is exactly how He intended it to be.  He never intended for me to be the mom of a 6 year old, because He knew that Tripp would only be here with me for 2.5 years. 
Believing that, helps me to cope. 

I've been through a lot in 6 years. 
A lot of pain. 
A lot of anxiety. 
I went from an oblivious 23 year old girl who was over the moon excited to have her first child... to a mentally exhausted almost 29 year old woman who sometimes feels like she's been put through the wringer. 
My love at first sight turned into heartache and pain.  
I watched my only son suffer the cruelest disease known to man.  
I watched his little fragile body slowly deteriorate right before my eyes. 
I watched him struggle to breathe, struggle to eat, and struggle to survive.  
I watched him in pain.  
And I couldn't do anything to help him.  

I watched him die in my arms.  
I had to place my son (whose side I never left for 2.5 years) on a gurney... for someone to take away.  
And when I finally got the courage to stand up again, my feet didn't know where to go. 
My feet had known the same path for 2.5 years. 
A path that only involved caring for Tripp. 
Feeding him, changing him, doing his dressing changes, giving his medicines, cleaning machines, etc, etc. 
When I walked, I had no clue where I was supposed to go. 
Or what I was supposed to do.  

I had to survive.  
I had to go on living my life when all I wanted to do was die. 
I'm not sure if I was ever honest with you all here. 
But for a really long time... I didn't want to be here. 
And for the first time in my life, I wasn't scared of dying. 
 I wasn't scared of anything. 
All I wanted was to be with my baby again and to know that he was okay.  
It was painful. 
It is still painful. 

I'm saying all of this, not because I want sympathy. 
But because for every ounce of pain and suffering that I've endured... 
I've been blessed 10 fold. 

It's been a beautiful, beautiful journey.  
The hardest, most painful, most rewarding journey I've ever experienced. 

First and foremost, I have been blessed with THE most amazing man that I know for a husband. 
Together, he and I have prayed and trusted and given all of our worries to God. 
God gave me a husband that makes me a better person. 
A husband who never questions and always supports me. 
We are the best team.  
He takes better care of me than I ever could have asked for.  

Everything in my life has happened in order, for a reason
I didn't know it then... or when it was happening. 
But I know it now.  
I look back and I see all of the beautiful things God did in my life. 
And all of the beautiful blessings He's given me.  
The biggest one being my new little family. 

He also gave me hundreds of thousands of strangers who have become like family to me.  
People whom I have never met, who send me emails and letters and gifts...
just to make me smile. 
People who have followed our story and loved my Tripp.  
And who,  STILL to this day, check on me and my family.  
There are NO words that I could ever type that would even begin to express my gratitude to all of you who read this, who reach out to me, and who love us. 
Thank you...
for every single thought, gift, and especially every prayer. 
It truly, truly means everything in the world to me.
Because the pain of losing a child NEVER, ever gets easier.  
But every day that I spend here on Earth puts me one day closer to the day I get to see my baby again.  

So, today... on my sweet boy's 6th birthday, 
I want to remember everything.
Not just the good, sweet moments.  
But I want to remember all of the hurt and the pain, too.   
Because all of it- every single suffering, has made me into the person I am today 
and has brought me to this moment.  
And I couldn't be more grateful for what God has given me and for taking care of me 
He has never once left me to question if He is present. 

So, Happy Birthday to my sweet, sweet angel in heaven.  
You have left me with so much.  
You have made me a better mom. 
A better person. 
A better Catholic. 
And I will never, ever forget the JOY you brought into my life in the short time that I was blessed to be your mommy.   
I will never stop missing you until you are in my arms and we can make music again together... forever.