Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Hello my lovely friends...

First of all, thank you so much to all of you who have been contacting me about how we are doing.  It is really nice to know that you guys truly care about how life has been over here. 

This month, on the 14th, made FOUR years since our Tripp has been gone.  
I can't believe it.  
How has that much time gone by? 
Where did it go? 
How in the world have I survived without my son?
This is always such a hard time for me. 
Throughout the year, I am always really good about distracting myself. 
And lately, our sweet Crew has been keeping me so busy and exhausted that I don't even have much time to sulk and be sad like I have been every year before now.  
But around the time that Thanksgiving hits, no matter what... 
I always get a heavy heart.  
My mood always changes... I get anxiety, I just get blah.
This year, when the time came, it was extra hard. 
I was having to function as a mommy when I was sad and missing my baby, too. 

Some people seem to think that having a new baby lessens the pain of losing a child.  
I say to those people: 
Tell me, which one of your children could you live without?

I spent some time recently reading through some of my blogs at the end before Tripp died.
It was absolutely heart-wrenching.
I had to stop reading.
It brought back SO much pain and so many vivid memories about how he suffered at the end.
How in the world did he physically endure that much pain?
It is so heart breaking.
It's a really hard thing to do... to go back through those memories.
Someone once told me that my suffering is greater that Tripp's was.  Because his was short-lived and mine is enduring.  At first I thought that was ridiculous... but now I am starting to understand.  Though Tripp suffered an unbearable amount in his short time on Earth, he is now pain free forever.
I bear the pain of being his mom and not being able to save him.
And having to watch him endure that pain.
And now... the pain of not having him here.
 I think I will be in pain until I join him in heaven.

This has been an incredible journey.  
And I have learned so much.
I have learned the importance of really trying to care about myself as much as I care about the people around me.  And by doing this, in turn, it will help me to to take care of the people I love even better.  My mental health is SO important... because it affects the overall function and health of my family.  When I disregard my feelings and I try to cover them up or hide them, it just causes tension in me... therefore causing tension in those around me.  
This is still very much a work in progress. 
But I think the first step was recognizing this.  
Grief is a truly awful thing to try to understand. 
But it really can bloom beautiful things.  
It's just the way you handle it.  
And I am slowly learning that being happy and having joy back in my life, does not mean that I am forgetting about Tripp or that I am a bad mom. 
I said "slowly" learning.  
The road is long. 

I think the devil tries to put these thoughts in our heads.  
Guilt can be good and guilt can be bad.  
The guilt that I feel is bad.  It puts me in a bad place.  
I have to constantly remind myself that my guilt is not from God.  
That Tripp not being here is not my fault.  
That my "moving on" (I hate those words)... my "continuation of life?" is not something to feel guilty about.  It's something beautiful.  
And God has given me another beautiful gift.  
A child to raise up in this scary world. 
A child to teach about God and about love.  
A child that will know what an amazing big brother he has and how much his brother changed people's lives, especially his mama and daddy's. 

I'm sorry I've been away for so long.  
Writing was outlet for such a long time when Tripp was alive.
It gave me peace.  It healed my broken heart.  
And then Tripp died... and I just couldn't write.  
It was like he took my words with him.
I had no clue what to say or what to write about.  
And again, I felt guilty about that.  
I felt guilty for leaving behind my army that had stood behind me for 2.5 years.  
Through everything. 
But I knew you guys would understand.  

Life has been amazing.  
Stephen and I trusted God to give us another child. 
And he did.  
And you know what? 
I thought that my sweet Tripp was high maintenance with all of his bandages and tubes and machines... well, I'll put it like this:
Crew knows he's the second child. 
He has major second child syndrome. 
He's NON-stop, into everything, loves dirt, loves to climb, LOVES your attention, and probably the most nosey child I've ever seen.  
But oh my, is he fun.  
He keeps us on our toes and he brings us SO much joy. 
Watching him grow and seeing him do things that Tripp never got to do is so bittersweet.  
I know Tripp had a hand in giving us Crew. 
He is absolutely everything I knew I needed. 

And I cannot believe that next month, he will be 
ONE YEAR old already. 
Why can't I just stop time and keep him this little forever??