Thursday, June 7, 2012

God is Love.

It's almost been a month since I've posted.  The days seem to fly by so fast lately.  I feel like I'm constantly doing something at all times to keep my mind distracted.  
The days are getting harder.  
I miss him so much.
So much that sometimes it will physically hurt.

I'm floating back and forth between the stages of pure grief with the feeling of being completely lost and then the idea of thinking about the next stages in my life.  And when I start to think about the future and the great things that are in store for me... as happy as that makes me, I also feel a tremendous amount of guilt for thinking about those things.  I know in my heart that Tripp wants nothing more than for me to be happy, but sometimes the feelings of guilt are overwhelming.  It's a strange feeling... sometimes I feel like the only things I feel comfortable doing are the things that I did when he was still here. That way, I'm not doing new things without him.   
In my heart, I know that he knew and loved Stephen... so I feel like he approves of the relationship that I am in... and that at least makes one thing stress-free and easy.  
Because moving forward is so difficult.  
I know that anyone who has lost a child can sympathize with me when I say that MOST days, if given a choice... I'd rather be dead.  That's just the cold, hard truth.  It's an unbearable, unexplainable feeling. 
Anything that I do, I think about Tripp not being with me.  
I think about the things that we didn't get to do together and the things we won't get to do together.
Except I'm pretty strong.  I hate being so strong.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't so strong.  Sometimes I wish I could cry in public... then maybe people would know I'm not just "moving on" and "okay."  Maybe then they would know that I think about my baby every. single. waking. second. of the day. 
Did I mention that I love my counselor? 
 She's really great. 
 And she's very Christian- which I love, of course.  
We are really getting to know each other a little better each time I go, and that is really nice.  
She's trying to help me to learn how to focus on the GOOD times Tripp and I had together instead of thinking about the things we missed out on. 
Except when she told me I was making progress, I cried like a baby.  The guilt completely takes over me sometimes- especially when someone thinks I'm "moving on."  Even though I know deep down that it's okay to make progress... all I want is to rewind 5 months and have my baby in my arms.  
 I do love being able to try and explain to her what an amazing little boy he is.  It's kind of impossible to do unless you really got to meet and know him, though.  
He was and still is such a brave little disciple of Christ. 
Some days are just unbearable without him.

I've been trying lately to make myself get off my stupid phone or computer and read my Bible instead.  It shouldn't be such a sacrifice, right?  But sometimes it is.  After I read, though, I feel so much better... Like a wave of peace finally passes over me. 

So tonight, I think I want to focus on one thing: 

As I lie in my bed... next to Tripp's blankets that are still placed neatly in their spot... all I can really think about is love.  First, I think about how much I loved him.  I think about the days, hours, minutes and seconds that we spent together.  Nighttime is the worst now.  It brings back the most memories for me.  I loved nighttime with my baby.  I loved waiting for him to fall asleep so that I could kiss his head or hold his little fingers without him "fussing" or slapping me.  I loved the music we played and the prayers we would say.  Without sounding boastful, I would say that I pretty much gave up my life for him.  Because the day that he was born, he became my life.  It was a choice.  A choice to do whatever it took to keep him alive and happy.  I think that is LOVE. 

Then I think about how much he loved me.  Sometimes I think that God sent Tripp to me to save my life. And I think Tripp agreed to.  I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but I honestly feel like he really did save my life.  I wasn't a bad person before I had Tripp.  But I was a selfish person.  I thought that I knew how to love, but I really didn't.  He taught me that.  He taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.  That means loving someone with absolutely no judgement, no boundaries, no limits.  Maybe Tripp's little soul didn't "choose" to come to the Earth and suffer... or maybe it did.  One day I will know that answer.  But I do feel like, in a way, he gave up his life to save mine and perhaps others.  Whether it be by choice or not, that is LOVE.   

And then I think about God's love. 
I know this is hard, guys.  I know that if right now I told you that God LOVES you, you might sit back and roll your eyes a little and think to yourself... (here comes the holy-roller part).  Just give me a chance, though... I promise that I'm no where near perfect and that trying to get to heaven is a working progress!  I know sometimes things don't always go the way we want them to (trust me, I can vouch for that) and that sometimes we get frustrated with God.  I've been there.  I'm still there.  
But He is so forgiving.  He wants us to know Him.  He wants us to make the right choices.  And he wants us to CHOOSE Him.  And before all, He wants us to love each other.  God knows we make mistakes.  He knows that we aren't perfect.  And he knows everything you do and need before you do.  He tells us all of this.

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."
-Jeremiah 1:5

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." 
-Matthew 6:8

But I wonder why some people have no problem believing something they read in a magazine or see on TV, but it's so hard to believe something that has been passed down for thousands of years that never changes. 
 His Word.  His Word is love.  God is love.

"In the beginning was the Word, 
and the Word was with God, 
and the Word was God." 
-John 1:1

"Whoever does not love, does not know God, because God is love."
-John 4:8

So, tell me, why is it SO hard for us to love each other?  The world is falling apart right before our eyes because we just won't love each other.  That's all that it boils down to.  Plain and simple.  No one has respect for anyone else anymore.  The things that come out of our mouth are disgusting- the curse words, the gossip, the ugly things we say about other people... 

"But no human being can tame the tongue.  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.  This need not be so, my brothers. 
-James 3:8-10

What's it going to take for us to change this?  Could it start by just ONE person showing an act of kindness... or has the world already fallen too far?  If you are kind to someone and they don't accept your kindness, do you get frustrated and give up?  Did you know that God says this:

"He should know that whoever brings back a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins." 
-James 5:20

"Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance." 
-Luke 15:7

That's huge.  What a promise, right?  
He's telling us that if we bring someone back to God, that we will save our own soul from death. 
So why are we destroying each other?  
We all think that we deserve more than someone else.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our own lives and in ourselves that we forget about others.  We all think we are worthy of things, when actually, not a single ONE of us are promised tomorrow, nor do we know our future... 

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we shall go into such and such a town and spend a year there doing business, and make a profit'- you have no idea what your life will be like tomorrow.  You are a puff of smoke that appears briefly and then disappears.  Instead, you shall say, 'If the Lord wills it, we shall live to do this or that.' 
-James 4:13-15

I'll end on this... 
I trust and believe that I know exactly where my baby is.  
And all I know is that I want to get there too.  
So if we can't trust and believe in God's promise... 
then what are we living for? 



  1. Thank you for sharing your heart and soul. Yes, Tripp is in Heaven with our Lord God. I have not lost a child so I can't feel the pain that you feel. I have lost a husband, both parents and 7 siblings so I do know the pain of grief. I also have a personal relationship with God and I know that I will see my loved ones again in Heaven someday. My niece was buried today in Ocean Springs, MS and my heart aches for the loss of her. I will continue to lift you up in prayer as you are adjusting to life without Tripp. I am so happy to hear you have someone in your life to walk beside you on this path. May God continue to carry you.

  2. Thank you, Courtney! We keep you in our prayers every night.

  3. Wow Courtney! Everytime I read your blog posts it brings me to tears. My heart hurts so much for you knowing the unbelievable amt of sadness you feel being without your little boy. No mom should ever have to go thru that and I'm so sorry that you do. Just keep your faith in God strong and you have a guarantee to be with your baby again someday. Easier said than done, I know, but thank god for that amazing promise! And dear little Tripp will be perfectly healed next time you see him, and you will begin s new life together that you'll know will last FOREVER! I'll prayer for your peace with knowing that you'll little boy is no longer in pain and is with the lord.

  4. Sending you love from Finland <3 Hugs and blessings <3

  5. The right words never seem to turn up, but thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I can't even begin to imagine your pain, but I hope it brings a tiny bit of light to know that, in addition to everything else, every post reminds so many people to hold their loved ones dear. <3

  6. Aaawww Courtney, u always bring peace and sadness to my heart I'm very happy to know that u dedicated this blog to love. :) I hope u can find your new self and I love it that u r a believer in God!! Me too: ) I know ur baby had a calling on this life and I know he is watching and waiting for his mom.... For u! I love ur baby boy and I'm greatful I found ur story! Xoxo

  7. I am thinking about you and praying for your peace everyday until you see that boy again! You may not be seeing him for a while but he can see you right now and I have no doubt that he is INCREDIBLY proud of you!!
    May God bless you today and everyday to come!

  8. I'm so happy you got on your computer this morning. This day, this WAS my time in his word. Bless you and Tripp. The two of you spread HIS word. And, THAT is what we are here for afterall, isn't it? God's blessings and peace to you. And, yes, of course, Tripp wants his sweet Momma to be happy. He's walking and talking with Christ. He's happy. So should you be.

  9. Courtney,

    Thank you for sharing what's in your words couldn't be more true. You and Tripp have brought alot of people back to God, including myself, and for that I owe you the world. You are a testament of what unconditional love is...

    Sending up prayers for you, sweet Courtney.


  10. What more can you do to honor Tripp, than to help the Lord save a soul because he lived? Maybe this will be your mission?

  11. Much love to YOU, Courtney. Praying for you in NC. I know our boys are having a blast up there!

  12. Wow..awesome post. I agree that your posts bring tears to my eyes all the time too. But I loved when you said that people will believe just about anything they read in magazines etc, but some have such a hard time believing in God. Also..I agree with everything you wrote about people not loving each other enough and not respecting other people! I think of that all the time and wonder what the world is coming to! Anyway..loved this post!!!

  13. This may sound weird, but I had a dream about you a few days ago and I was bringing you cheese. I am not sure if you like cheese (I could live off of cheese), but I was bringing you cheese. I just really hope you do take comfort in knowing exactly where your baby is. That precious little man is for sure watching over you right now playing his drum to Elmo singing I'm Elmo and I know it. I love seeing on my blog roll every time I see your blog name and I can't wait to read your words. It break my heart to hear the sadness in your words, but it makes me happy to know you are getting some of that out. Sometimes it is so hard to "tell" people how we are feeling, so keep writing because your words are beautiful and I can also hear in your words how much you love that precious angel. We keep you in our prayers everyday.

  14. God is with you! May God be in us all as we live in this world and try to do good in our lives. Prayers for you and all those who have children hurting or ill. May we offer our sufferings for those hurting or ill and in need of the knowledge that God is Love and He is with us!

  15. Courtney, you are such an inspiration to all who read your blog, we can all learn from you the true meaning of love and unselfishness, your heart is breaking a million times over and yet you try to reach out to all of us. Not today, nor tomorrow but, someday I do believe you will find the peace you need to be able to go on without Tripp in your present life and to build a life anew and when the day comes that you and Tripp are reunited what a day of rejoicing that will be. God loves you and wants you to be happy because he knows that your sweet precious little Tripp is happy and pain free so spread your wings like the Eagle and fly. Don't feel quilty for moving on and loving, and being happy Tripp would want you to be happy and share all the love you have to give ♥God Bless you Courtney♥

  16. you are so sweet, Thanks for sharing!!

  17. oh Courtney this is so beautiful. i knew there was a reason i hadnt put on my makeup yet! it would be destroyed from tears! thank you for this reminder. i needed it. as a christian wife, mom, WOMAN, i have not been acting out Gods love the last few months. I have harbored feelings of hurt, anger, grief in general towards my MIL. I need to forgive her and move on. i may not like the things she did a few months ago but that doesnt mean i cant love her. and thank you for being strong. without that kind of strength that kept tripp alive and happy for as long as he was, we wouldnt be able to be blessed by the wisdom God has given you. keep going mama. you WILL see him again and will have ETERNITY to spend together worshipping our Lord.

  18. Courtney...your posts bring me to tears. Happy tears hearing all your memories and your wise words of advice. Tears of sadness knowing you are fighting inside every day with the loss of your precious Tripp. EVERY TIME I see Elmo I think of Tripp. The impact his journey has had on me has been huge.
    I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and I hope you find every ounce of peace possible moving forward.
    Finding those happy moments Tripp would want you to have. What an angel you were sent...both then and now.
    Much love to you!!! Hugs!!!

  19. Continuing to pray for you, Courtney. Thank you for such a beautiful post and reminder of God's love and God's Word. And as far as working to get to Heaven, the good news is that we can't earn our way there! Accepting God's grace is all it takes! I know for a fact that you will be there with Tripp when God says it's time, because you have such a deep relationship with our Savior. What a joy-filled, incredible, glorious reunion that will be.

    And you're such a great inspiration to me. I also struggle with being on my dumb computer all the time (although I consider reading your blog to be time well spent! Just not all the other stuff, lol) and need to challenge myself to put it down for a few and get into God's Word.

    Prayers continue for peace and comfort as you navigate that consuming grief. My heart aches for you.

  20. Thank you for sharing. You and Tripp are both heros, and angels as well.

  21. Thank you Courtney for sharing your thoughts. Tripp will always be loved. I miss him and I am thinking of you. Love you

  22. Dear Courtney, it is very wise to spend more time reading your Bible. In it, through prayer and good Christian counseling you will find your way to your future. Neither God nor Tripp wants you to feel guilty about living your life. God doesn't make mistakes, even though it may feel that way to us sometimes. This is the life you have been given and yours did not end with Tripps, he is just a wonderful part of it. Trust God's plan for you and keep moving forward without guilt, this is the next phase. You have already proven your love for Tripp, he is in good hands and so are you. God's blessings on you! Rebecca

  23. Beautiful. Thank you so much for allowing God to use you. In the midst of your heartache and suffering you are ministering to others. You are such a blessing and such an encouragement. Thank you.

  24. Thank you for sharing again. You and Tripp continue to inspire me to love more patiently, more openly, and more unconditionally.

  25. You are an AMAZING person! I hope you know that through all this pain and in this journey God has a plan - He is sending His message of love through you to so, so many people that need to hear it right now. One day you will look back and understand how many people you have touched with your story and your faith. I wish you peace and comfort, and hope that as your life transitions into the next phase you have much, much happiness. You deserve it.

  26. I love reading what you write about your precious boy. It just reminds me of how I feel about both of mine; the one in Heaven and the one here on Earth with me. I wish I had your faith. I really do. But I just dont. My baby was very sick and I had a lot of prayers sent up for him, of that I'm sure. But he died anyway. Had he lived, people would have said "Praise God, our prayers were answered." His healing would have been a miracle that only God could take credit for. So...I guess my question is--who gets blamed when your child dies? Not God. Not ever. So why does God get the credit when they live? If God knows what we need before we do, then why did He think I need to have my baby's ashes in an urn next to my bed? I certainly didn't need it, or want it. A big part of me died that day. I think a really good part of me. I'm not asking "why me?" Well, maybe I am actually. Why did I "need" this? The women I know who have lost children are all good, honest, loving, family oriented women...some of the best people I have ever known. So, why us? Really, why? And please don't take this comment's not meant that way AT ALL. I have so much respect for you as a person and as a mother and I wish you nothing but happiness and true joy again someday. I just....don't get it.

  27. Courtney - I think of you often and sometimes have felt how you are feeling: When I first starting reading your post it really made me think of something my husband said to me. Just to explain I was mad at the world for not understanding why I couldn't just "move on after we lost our little one." He said, "Just because we move on doesn't mean that we are forgetting, it means that we are remembering and keeping those memories alive." I have felt some peace in that in my darkest times, and I hope maybe you will too.

  28. I have to say that I always look forward to (and half dread) reading your posts. You and Tripps lives have impacted me so much. I can't help but cry for you when I read what you are going through, and there are some days that something triggers it and I cry for you for no real reason. Your lives have brought me closer to God. I am certainly not perfect or anywhere near that, but I am trying more and more to do God's will, like you and Tripp have. Thank you for continuing to blog to share your life with us. Sending lots of hugs and love your way.

  29. Courtney you and Tripp brought me closer to god. I'm a bit of a fair weather catholic and used to think there was always tomorrow. You both taught me that tomorrow may not come. I am a better person since "meeting" you and I continue to strive to be better.
    You will so surely be right with Tripp again one day. Maybe in the eternal world a day is just a second. You could be just a few hours in tripp's world so don't worry about feeling guilty about trying to carry on with life. You will be in each others arms one day and then forever. With no pain. Hugs x
    Ps I ran for Debra last month and raised £1100. I let go of my elmo balloon at the end and it floated in the blue sky to Tripp x

  30. Wonderful post. Your words remind of St. Seraphim of Sarov's... “Acquire the Spirit of Peace and a thousand souls around you will be saved.”

    I wish you peace as you walk this lonely road, that the love Tripp had/has for you will bring you comfort, and that good can continue to come out the tragic loss of your little saint.

  31. This is the most beautiful post I have ever read. You are so right, God IS Love. Thank you Courtney for sharing. I am praying for you. Tripp is surely so proud of his Mommy.

  32. As always, your words bring tears to my eyes like they do to so many of us who follow your story. I am saddened by the pain in your heart, but I keep praying that you will heal, however long that may take. I usually pray that God helps you find an ounce of relief each day...that God helps you find peace in the love that you shared and still have for Tripp. I think of my daughter who is in daycare right now and how much it hurts me to let her go each day, to have someone else feed her, play with her, make sure she is OK. I hold her a little tighter when i pick her up when I am done with work and I think of Tripp and I tell her that we haven't reached our daily quota of a million hugs and kisses. I know you miss your little guy something awful--but take comfort in God, in family, in knowing that Tripp is OK--that God is taking good care of him. He will be watching for you when you get up there...he won't miss a beat when he runs to your arms and you can actually squeeeeeeze him tight! His wings won't be fragile anymore like a butterfly but will be strong and soft and perfect! Your words are an inspiration to keep love in our hearts. I often get frustrated and hurt by the demeanor and language of people at our large corporation--your "love" post will remind me that no matter what they do, I can show love like a Christian. Even if I am terrible at it, at least I try! Love you Courtney!

  33. Thank you so much for sharing. I wish there wasn't so much hatred and evil in the world. Unfortunately, there is and, as you said, it is destroying us.
    Hang in there. Stick with the counseling. It will take a long time, but the pain and guilt will lessen some as you heal. You are still in my thoughts and prayers!

  34. I'm sure people give you tons of book suggestions, but have you read "Heaven is for Real"? It is a super short, quick read that will probably make you smile and give you peace about where Tripp is right now!

  35. all the feelings you have, grief, guilt, & wanting to be dead are normal! you are struggling through a very sad & painful time. allow yourself to feel those feelings. and i think it's been said before, it's not about moving on, but moving through the grief. there will be a brighter tomorrow, i promise. Tripp will always be in your heart and be the love of your life. praying for you!!

  36. Dear Courtney,

    Everytime I read your blog I find myself in tears. I pray for you everyday, I have not lost a child but we lost our first grandson. There was a time when I did not think my son and his wife would EVER have even a small glimpse of happiness. There were definitely times I thought they both might die from heartbreak. It was a very dark and sad time for everyone and especially the two of them. It has been 4 years and their lives are much much different and they are happy. It's a different kind of happy, you learn a new way to live. None of us have forgotten our sweet baby, nor will we ever. Nor will you ever forget Tripp.

    I promise you if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other you will begin to see daylight down that road. As for moving on it is what we all must do even when we have absolutely no desire. I know that sweet Tripp would want that for you more than anything.

    You keep your deep abiding FAITH and stick with that counselor and you will get there.

    Much Love and Many Prayers...

  37. Oh Courtney! My heart goes out to you. I copied a line from your blog tonight to share on my Facebook. You summed up some of feelings I have had for the past 17 months for my daughter and then again the past 6 months for my son. I wish I could give you a big hug. I would love to meet you someday! Just from reading your blog I feel like you are a friend! You truly are a hero!

  38. Courtney,

    Thank you for sharing with us your soul. I so needed to hear your blog today. I needed to be reminded of God's Love. God's love for all of us and this journey of life that we are all on. We all have so much to learn from each other and you and your baby have taught me a lot. I continue to pray for Tripp and for you. This might sound silly, but I went to the movies this weekend and saw Snow White. There is a beautiful scene in the movie - where the fairies live. Everything was so beautiful in that scene - the trees were so green and the flowers were beautiful and everyone and everything was so happy. I immediately thought of heaven and of Tripp. I know he is there and I pray that your pain eases as time goes by. You will be with him one day, but your time here on this earth is not over. Thanks Courtney for being you! And thanks for sharing your journey with us.

  39. Thank you Courtney, Wow - that was the kick in the butt that I needed. I have a neighbor who isn't very nice - she tells everyone how nice she is but she really isn't. Every time I wave at her she just looks at me and ignores me (can't figure out what I have done). Anyhow, I was just telling my husband that I am not going to be nice to her any longer - real mature of me huh? Thanks for reminding me that I shouldn't expect kindness in return - God wants me to show love and compassion regardless. Maybe one day it will make a difference in someones day - I will smile at them and they will feel love and do the same for someone else. Paying it forward in a way.
    I am sorry for the loss of your sweet little Tripp. I think of you both so often and wonder how you are doing. I can't pretend to know the pain you feel. I do believe that Tripp wants you to be happy and hopefully some day you will find peace. Thinking of you. Gloria

  40. I'm so glad you posted again! I'm glad you love your councelor and that you feel good about sharing your life with her. I think about and pray for you daily. I have no idea what it's like to lose a child but I do know that after someone close to you dies that the world doesn't stop even though we want it to. And as true as that is it doesn't make life any easier! You keep being brave and strong when you need to and be as weak and afraid when you need that too! Jesus' deciples were afraid too of what would happen next in their lives. Keep that in mind when you are afraid of the future without Tripp and know he's watching over you every step of the way!

    Prayers and blessings for you Courtney!

  41. I'm so glad you posted again! I'm glad you love your councelor and that you feel good about sharing your life with her. I think about and pray for you daily. I have no idea what it's like to lose a child but I do know that after someone close to you dies that the world doesn't stop even though we want it to. And as true as that is it doesn't make life any easier! You keep being brave and strong when you need to and be as weak and afraid when you need that too! Jesus' deciples were afraid too of what would happen next in their lives. Keep that in mind when you are afraid of the future without Tripp and know he's watching over you every step of the way!

    Prayers and blessings for you Courtney!

  42. I have read and re-read so many of your blog posts....this is the BEST ONE YET. I don't know how that is even possible because they have all been awesome. But THIS ONE!This one is incredible. It's inspiration at it's finest and the raw feelings that you put forth still touch my soul. I pray that you find the answers you are looking for. They will come in time. Love, Mollie Walker

  43. You are an amazingly strong woman and mother. Tripp was lucky to have you as his mother who would do anything for him and you did do anything for him and then some. You were also lucky to have him because by what you said he saved your life and showed you what love really is and means. I bet its going to take a lifetime to move on but no one truly moves all the way past what you have been through since you had unconditional love for him. God Bless you! <3

  44. You are so right. That was so beautiful and heart-wrenchingly honest. I know you want your Tripp with you so badly, but I think he is so very proud of his Mommy right now. He shined so bright during his short life and now you are keeping that light burning. I know it can't be easy. I know you just want to give up and just quit breathing somedays. I know you might think, "I would rather have just one more second with my Tripp than all the platitudes and praise that has been heaped on me since I started sharing his story. I would give anything to have him back." And darn, but that hurts. That you would give ANYTHING to have only one thing . . . and you can't have it. Not here. :( If anyone of your many followers could take a measure of your pain, I know many of us would in a heartbeat. And many of us hurt for you. But grief is such a solitary thing. No one can take the burden from you and that's what really, really sucks about it. As much as people pray for you and love you and reach out to you, so much of this road, you have to go it alone. But I think Tripp is there with you, saying, "Mommy. You can do this. You've got this. You are a warrior. You are strong. Look how hard you fought for me! Every day I had, I had because of you Mommy!" You many be running this race alone, Courtney, but so many of us are on the sidelines, cheering you on, praying for you and willing you to hang in there. Through the rough nights. And the horrible seconds that seem to drag on forever. You WILL finish this race. Some day. And at that finish line, right next to Jesus, your Tripp will be smiling to beat the band, dancing and running to meet you. I think he'll be so proud to introduce you in Heaven. "Have you met my Mom? She's amazing. She's a warrior! She's MY mom!"

    Someday, Courtney. Someday. Until then, keeping running. And heck, no one said you can't take a rest during the race, either. Keep hanging on. Please. :)

  45. I have been following your blog for several years. You have a wonderful way of relating scripture to real life, and you have many valid points (especially in this blog post). One day, you will be leading Bible studies and seminars. I really see you becoming the Beth Moore of our generation. I hope that this doesn't put too much pressure on you.

    Thank you for allowing us to follow you through the joys, heartaches, tears and grief. You are an inspiration to many people.

  46. Courtney
    I've never been a particularly religious person, but having my daughter changed all that. I don't know how someone can look at his or her child and NOT believe in an awesome God. Children are beautiful little walking miracles. I pray every night and thank God for lending me this little soul to take care of here on earth. Your time was cut unbearably short with Tripp but I know you trust God's plan for your life.

    Don't be strong--let go and let God.
    This may sound silly but 50 Cent said he believes either pray or worry--not both. I think that's incredibly profound and goes along with Let Go, Let God. He will provide. Tripp is with Him now, and God is providing for Tripp and He is there for you too.

    Thank you for sharing your story. You and Tripp are an inspiration.

  47. When silence is God's only voice,
    and waiting on Him my only choice,
    a banner of faith I humbly raise
    and offer up a song of praise.
    Though answers He may not impart,
    forever I can trust HIS heart.

    Keep on trusting His heart, Courtney. He loves you with a never ending love. Hard to comprehend isn't it? Someday you will enjoy Tripp for eternity and that is longer than the fleeting time here on earth. What a promise!

  48. It is OK to be a holy roller! It is young people like you than can help change our generation and be brought closer to God. You and Tripp have touched so many lives and for that I am willing to bet those lives have turned to our Savior or even gained stronger Faith! I have gained a lot from you and Tripp. I am very Thankful that God put your blog infront of me, at a very selfish point in my life, to make me understand what life is about. Love... Just as you have stated and showed us;God has brought all of us to Love you and Tripp! Sending Love, Hugs and Prayers your way!!

  49. I have read your blog for as long as I can remeber. You and your family were chosen by God to receive Tripp into your loving care. I lost a child several years ago. I went to counseling and it was such a help to guide me and keep me moving forward. Good for you that you are taking care of yourself mentally, physically and spirtually!!! One of my 'take aways' from counseling was to give myself permission ~ to grieve, to cry, to be happy and to live!I read another blog and today she spoke about permission. It made me think of you. Check it out. You and your family are AWESOME!God Bless!

  50. I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I lost a great friend in 2009. I was numb for a month. It seemed as if every time I turned around, something made me think of him or I saw someone who looked like him. It was hard. I'm thinking about you always...especially when I see Elmo :)

  51. Beautiful. You speak from the heart and God listens, and so do we. Your faith is inspiring. I am a better person because of you and your son. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I believe Tripp is in heaven waiting for you. I hope to get to heaven one day and I sure would love to meet him! Yes, there are many people I want to meet in heaven, and your son is one of them. He is an amazing disciple for Christ.

  52. thank you so much for being so bold in your faith and sharing so much scripture, even when you are going through the most difficult time of your life!
    you have a larger following than most churches!!
    i also wanted to share this verse, that we could never be good enough, but God still gives us the gift of salvation. so thankful!
    "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast."
    Ephesians 2:8-9

    praying for you daily!

  53. "I always knew you were an angel but this time you've take your wings, and when I find mine I'll come find you there so please be patient with me" <3

  54. Thank you so much for your words Courtney. They are EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. God has his hand in all. Bless you!

  55. This was so beautiful! Thank you for sharing; it can't be easy to pour your heart out to the world. You've been in my prayers for a long time and this is the first time I'm commenting.

  56. Thank you Courtney! This post is wonderful and thank you again for sharing with us.

  57. As per God's own word your place in heaven is guaranteed. You brought me back to Him, showed me the error of my path of selfishness and I am repentant and forever changed. Thank you Courtney. I owe everything to you. It helps my feeling of overwhelming indebtedness to know that just by saving me your place is guaranteed although I know it already was.

  58. Courtney, EB didn't win. Tripp fought a good fight, and lived a good live with your tender love and care. You have both touched so many lives and helped so many people by sharing your struggles and your lives with us all. The day Tripp earned his wings, as soon as I logged on I saw it on the AP news wire. Pretty incredible for a boy who rarely left the house - and absolute proof that God can use anyone, anywhere. EB didn't win, and Tripp's purpose isn't over. It's just moved into the next stage. And your life will move into the next stage as well - which is different than 'moving on.' Moving on implies leaving behind, getting over, or forgetting - which of course, a mother will never do. Moving into the next stage is different. It means you do what you've always done, follow your heart and your dreams and see what purpose God has for you now. It's not a new life - it's a continuation of this one.

  59. Courtney,
    You are amazing. I hope you know how much your words help all of us dealing with grief. You are so young, but so wise. You can't imagine how many lives your thoughts touch.
    Thank you for sharing your story and continuing to keep us all inspired.

  60. I love this post today! I was about to go to bed when I thought I better check in & now I know I was meant to read it. I agree with every word. Every time I read your blog, I cry; every picture I look at of your precious baby, I cry; every time I see your profile picture where you are smiling & I imagine that face with tears streaming down it, I cry. This October will be 5 years that my precious son was born sleeping. It makes my heart hurt a little less every time I think of how much closer I am to being with him in heaven & being with Jesus. I bet our boys are having the best time. I am truly trying to improve my way of living so that I can make sure I am there with him when Jesus comes to take us home. This post just reminded me what I need to work on. Thank you for sharing...

  61. Courtney,
    I've been following your blog from the beginning, and you have the sweetest, gentlest soul that shines through the sadness of what you're going through. I'm also a fellow believer, and I just wanted to mention something about how you feel that getting to heaven is a work in progress. After much studying of scripture, I am convinced that it is not at all a work-in-progress, and I would love for you to know that freedom just as I do now. We must rely only on what Jesus did on the cross-- nothing we can do, past present or future is good enough to get us to heaven. Only what He did. Scripture tells us that as believers there is now NO condemnation for those who believe. Jesus has promised that we cannot be taken from Him. I hope this comes across as intended, absolutely written in love. I just remember what it was like to fear that something I did or didn't do would affect whether I would end up in heaven. It is a wonderful knowledge to be secure in knowing without doubt who holds my future. Much love!

  62. Only God knows the plan he has for your life…but I like to think this post is a brief reflection. Beautiful words, TRUE words, spoken from the heart. God really did have something great in store for you when he designed Tripp.

    My brother died many years ago and I would often grieve about the idea of things he will miss out on…the things I will miss out on by not having him here anymore, and one time I asked my mom if she ever got sad thinking about how old he would be, or what he would look like…she responded, “Lucas was never meant to live beyond that day..I don’t wonder about how he would look or where he would be in life because that was never a part of God’s plan for him. The Lord lent him to us for those years but he always knew he would take his boy home where he belonged.” She is a prayer warrior and like you, sometimes I think she is not of this earth. It’s like you women were placed here to show us all what grace is, what unconditional love is, what strength is.

    There is a special place in heaven for mother’s like you… it’s probably right beside your beautiful boys…with extra jewels in your crown.

  63. I started to reading your blog after I got to know Tripp has passed away. I was reading news and listening Chris Medina's song "What are words". Now that song always reminds me of Tripp and it's my favourite song all the time.

    Before reading your blog I was little bit lost. As you, I wasn't a bad person at all but I didn't know what was love. Not sure if I still know but I am learning. Thanks to you and Tripp I am missing my baby once he goes to sleep - eventhough he is in the next room. I just want to be next to him and keep him closer and closer. He has taught me love as much as you and Tripp. I would die for him in second if I need to. I would die if I lost him. I can't even imagine your pain.

    When my boy was birth I almost lost my life. I lost lot of blood, I had kidney failure and everything was bad. I still remember my first thought when lying in the bed. Of course I was thinking that my boy have to live without mum.... But the FIRST remorse I had..... "Why I didn't respect my husband more? Have I told and show him enough how much I really love him?" I decided that I am not READY yet. I wanted to fight for my family to show them how much I love. I gave a second chance. From god? I don't know but I am using my second chance.

    Before Tripp I didn't believe in god. I don't know if I still believe. I don't know what to believe. I am little bit frustrated due to there is so much pain in the world - what god does that? Of course wars and hunger are cause of people. But EB and other diseases? Would He sacrifice a little boy for pain just to get His voice heard? Really? Thinking of that I believe only that Tripp choose to sacrifice his self - for us. For you. For me to be better mommy and better person. Better lover. For me to understand what kind of gift of life I have gotten. Thank you Tripp. Thank you Courtney.