Sunday, March 7, 2010
Things are about the same over here. Tripp still is not feeling well. He has had those sick eyes and he's just really sleepy all the time. I know he's sleep deprived because of all the suctioning and broken sleep he's had the past 4 months since the trach has been in. But it's more than just that... he's just not himself lately. Still smiling, of course, but just not the same. I know every Mommy can tell when their baby just "isn't himself," I just hope there is nothing else going on that I don't know about... And I pray that his little heart is not just getting pooped out. He's pretty much had trouble breathing his whole life. Before the trach, it was because of his swollen airway and all the floppiness going on. (One day, I plan on giving a short summary of everything that's happened from day one for the new blog readers... I'm getting there, I promise). But then still after the trach, he has had so much trouble breathing with all of the secretion that it's like he's never gotten a break. I just really hope one day soon the breathing can get better so his little heart can have a break. Poor man. My heart just breaks for him so bad sometimes. I swear if I could take it ALL, I would. Every sore, every pain, every tube. I just want him to know what it's like to live a life free of pain. And honestly, I don't know if he ever will... And that kills me. Just imagine the love that you have for your child, then multiply that by 12 million and that's how much I feel like I love this little angel. I just look at him and see what he's going through and as small as he is, I just admire him SO much. He could easily just cry all day and be miserable every time someone touches him or moves him... but no, he just keeps on going everyday with a precious little smile on his face that makes his Momma tear up every time she sees it. He is a blessing from God. And there has been so many times that I have asked God, "Why me, why Tripp?". But I know why. I know why God gave him to me. Because he has brought nothing but joy into my life (ok, and maybe a little bit of heartache and pain and saddness) but all o those things only changed my life for the BETTER. And I know that Tripp is suffering, but God CHOSE him to take on this terrible, painful journey so that he could change peoples lives. I can't tell you how many people have told me, "When I get a cut, or get a sore in my mouth, I think about Tripp and I stop complaining." Now how great is that? That he has had such an impact on so many peoples lives at such a young age. I know God has his hand on Tripp at all times, and I know He is carrying him through all this pain. And I know that whatever happens, God will take care of my baby. He has brought us this far for a reason. And I don't yet know his reasoning for a lot of things, but I know that one day it will all make sense. Thank you, God, for giving me the most precious gift I could ever receive. Tripp has taught me patience, selflessness, trust in you, strength, and most importantly TRUE love. I love him more than I could ever express.
at 1:01 PM